Knowing these 5 reasons why you're struggling to make good friends in high school can help you!

As a mental health therapist working with teenagers, I've found over and over again that these 5 reasons are why making good friends in high school is so hard for the teenagers I work with.

Don't fret- there is hope!

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If you prefer to read, here’s what you need to know about the 5 reasons why making good friends in high school is so hard:

REASON #1: YOU’RE TOO TRUSTING

One of the things that I find happens over and over again with teens is that they're too quick to trust the other person. They want that deep lasting bond.

They want their best friend forever, and they want to jump through all those steps that it takes to reach that level of friendship.

Friendships take time and energy.

It's kind of like climbing a ladder. You're not gonna be able to jump up to the top. You might be able to hop over a few of the steps, but you're definitely not going to be able to skip all the steps on the ladder to get to your destination.

The same is true for good friends. They take time and energy, and they take taking one step on that ladder at a time to build a good, solid friendship together.

It's important to consider if this person is friend-worthy before you start sharing your deepest, darkest secrets. Have they proven themselves trustworthy with things that you don't necessarily care about? Like if you say something offhanded about like, "Oh my gosh, that math problem was so difficult." Are they talking about that to other people like, "Oh my gosh, like Mallory is so bad at math!"

If they're already doing that, or they're talking badly about other people in their friend group, you can expect that they're probably not gonna be able to be trusted with your information that you share with them.

You need to build some stability in that friendship before you can just openly trust them.

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REASON #2: YOU’RE NOT TRUSTING ENOUGH

Now on the flip side of that, you don't want to be too untrusting. You want to give people an opportunity to build that friendship and capacity.

So somebody who is not trusting enough won't share anything about themselves. They'll only hear what the other person has to say. They hardly ever share their own opinion about things because they're just not sure that they can trust the other person.

The only way to know if you can trust somebody is to give them an opportunity to prove their trustworthiness to you.

I would highly recommend that you try this with something very low risk, that isn't going to be hurtful or damaging to your self-confidence or self-esteem and go from there.

Also, look for warning signs:

→ Do they are talking positively or badly about others?

→  Are they quick to judge, or do they consider other viewpoints?

These are all really great things to consider when you're building a friendship with somebody.

REASON #3: IT WILL BE AWKWARD

I'm not gonna lie- it's gonna be awkward. You just got to know it and accept it and roll with it the best that you can.

Having good, healthy coping skills and strategies can help you hang in there through the awkwardness of building a friendship with somebody or finding and making good friends with others.

To expect that it will not be uncomfortable and that it won't be awkward is just unrealistic. It's gonna be awkward because you guys are still figuring things out.

Part of this is because when you are a young child, many of your friends from a young age were friends of circumstance. So what I mean is that you probably were friends with somebody who your parents and their parents were friends, so you had a lot of opportunity and circumstances to spend time together.

→ Maybe you had friends because you were in the same classroom together.

→ Maybe you were friends because you were on the same sports team or dance club together.

These are friendships of circumstance. They're not necessarily friendships of your choosing.

When you are choosing friendships, which you have more of an opportunity to practice and develop as a teenager in high school, there's a little more risk and vulnerability involved because you can't always control that the other person is going to be receptive or desiring of your friendship.

That doesn't mean that you are not a good person to be a friend with.

→ It might just be that they're not in a position where they have the capacity or ability to engage in that level of friendship with you.

→ Perhaps they're not feeling confident in themselves to be in a good friendship.

It's gonna be awkward.

It's just part of life, especially when you're a teenager and all of this stuff is new for you and the other teens around you.

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REASON #4: YOU DON’T LISTEN

Once you've acknowledged and accepted that being good friends is gonna be awkward, you need to make sure that you listen to the other person.

Sometimes when we're feeling really anxious or excited or nervous, well, we have a lot of energy built up. And because of that, we just feel this pressure. So sometimes we just talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk. And we forget to pause, take a breath, and hear the other person's answers and responses.

Make sure that you are asking questions and then giving them an opportunity to pause, think, and share what their response is going to be.

Also, if you are sharing a story and they want to share something about their experience, too, it's totally okay to take a pause from your story, hear what they have to say, and then also let them know, "Hey, I have a little bit more to say about my story, too."

REASON #5: YOU DON’T SPEAK UP

This leads me right into the fifth reason why it can be so difficult to make good friends in high school- you have to speak up.

If you never speak up and share your values, your interests, what's important to you, and you are showing up thinking "this is how I have to be in order for this person to like me," that's not going to be genuine and authentic.

And then when you DO start to speak up, be yourself and get a little more comfortable, they might be a little shocked or possibly even upset that you haven't been honest about who you are from the start with them.

I know how difficult it can be to speak up for yourself, which is why I created a program just for teens about how you can learn how to speak your truth.

→ In this program, I share several different communication strategies and how to get clear on what it is that you want to say and how to get people to take you seriously when you say it.

When you speak up and share your truth with others about who you are, what you believe, what you stand for, you call in people who are going to honor and respect that. And you're going to disqualify people who aren't.

Because the thing is, if somebody cannot respectfully agree or disagree or have a meaningful conversation with you, things that are really important to you, it's gonna be stressful to maintain that level of friendship when you really need people in your corner just like you would be for them.

So now that you know the reasons why making friends can be so difficult in high school, I highly encourage you to watch this video where I'm sharing the four secrets to healthy relationships that all teenagers need to know next: https://youtu.be/uCU0z_uhZRo

I hope that you found the information in this video useful and helpful.

And if you did, please share it.

You never know who YOU could be helping!

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