Mental Health struggles can often spill over into school struggles, so it's super important to know how to ask your teacher for help.
In this video post, you'll learn how to use the Interpersonal Effectiveness strategy called DEAR MAN to ask your teacher for help.
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What is DEAR MAN?
The DEAR MAN strategy comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which is one of my favorite therapy models to use with teenagers for a variety of reasons.
DEAR MAN is all about asking for what you want more effectively.
Now, again, this is not a 100% guarantee. If it's still a no after using this strategy, it probably is always gonna be a no. A few videos back, I did a deeper dive into the different components of DEAR MAN, so I'm not gonna go into that in this video post, but you can definitely go back and check that out here: https://youtu.be/eEr-27NzP1s
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How to Use DEAR MAN to ask your teacher for help
DEAR, if you remember, is all about what to say, and MAN is how you say it. So we're going to work backward a little bit on this one, and we're gonna go back to the MAN part.
M = Mindful
So you wanna make sure that you are prepared. Is this a good time for you? Is this a good time for your teacher? Probably in the middle of a test is not the time to ask your teacher for an extension.
If you know that something is coming up ahead of time, reaching out to your teacher before it happens is going to be way more impactful and helpful for them too. They'll have a little more time to help you plan and prepare and potentially adjust what needs to happen.
Sometimes another thing to keep in mind is that it's not always the teacher's decision on how things go. They might need some time to ask a request from their department head or the school principal to make sure that they can give you what you need.
And you already know, you gotta use those Coping Skills. I am all about using them to plan ahead before, during, and after you put your requests out there, 'cause when you are asking somebody for help, it can feel really emotionally vulnerable.
It's really important you have your coping strategies ready to go. Maybe some deep breathing, making sure that you have something to fidget with, whatever it is that you need to get through that conversation.
A = Appear confident
Taking the time to practice what you want to ask, or maybe even writing it out, can help you feel and appear confident in your request. You reading this video post is already gonna help with that because you're gonna have a game plan in place. This will help you feel more confident in yourself and your request to the teacher that you're asking for help with.
N = Negotiate
So remember when I said that sometimes it's not entirely the teacher's choice or decision, they might have to get permission from somebody first? Being willing to flex and negotiate with what the teacher can provide or do for you.
Maybe they can't let you totally retake the test, but they can offer you some extra credit.
Maybe they can't offer you some extra credit, but they can offer you a two-day extension.
Be flexible and be willing to work with them, and they will be willing to extend the same to you as well.
So How Do You Ask Your Teacher For Help in School?
You’ll use DEAR for what you're going to say:
Describe the situation
Express your thoughts and opinions
Ask for it
Reward the other person
I would keep it to one to two lines in each section. You don't have to go all over with this. Honestly. less is more here because they can really focus on your requests.
Let's say that the help that you're asking for is an extension for a project or a paper that's due in two days. You know that you have not been sleeping well. You've been dealing with a lot of family troubles, and it's really impacted your ability to concentrate and to get this assignment done and still take care of your self-care needs and mental health.
Asking for an extension makes sense.
So it's up to you if you wanna share specifics about your situation. I tend to err on the side of a need-to-know basis. Sometimes when we overshare with our teachers or our bosses or colleagues or whoever boundaries can get crossed a little bit. So it's up to you, if you think it would be useful and helpful for them to understand what's going on with you in terms of your home life or your mental health, that's quite all right, but I would err on the side of caution and keep it strictly to the situation at hand.
To describe the situation, you might say,
"I know that the end of the quarter is coming out this week and that you have a project due on Friday. Lately, I've been having a really difficult time concentrating and being able to focus to get my work done."
That's perfect, it's direct, it's kind, it's clear. And you've offered some facts to support the situation. You can't argue that you've had a difficult time concentrating. You can't argue that the end of the quarter is coming up. You can't argue that this project is due and you both are aware of the due date.
So a way that you could potentially express your thoughts and opinions on this is to say:
"I find education really valuable and important. It feels really important to me that I get a good grade in your class. And I wanna turn in quality work to you. However, because I've been so stressed out lately, I've had a hard time navigating how to manage my stress and keep up with my school assignments."
Then you wanna go for the big kahunas, and you wanna ask for it. In this case, it's asking for an extension. You might wanna, for this one, go back and acknowledge:
"I know that this assignment is due on Friday. I'm wondering if you would consider or if you'd be able to allow me an extension, can I turn it in on Monday for full credit?"
Then you can reward the other person. Now, remember, you wanna think about it from the teacher's perspective.
Why would allowing you as their student make sense to turn in work late and still get full credit when the rest of the students are having to turn it in on time?
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Please don't say, oh, it's because I'm a very likable student. I'm sure that you are, but that's probably not gonna be a great case for this.
When you think about it, why would this teacher probably has set aside the weekend for grading these papers, and now they're gonna have to wait to grade yours another few days. What is in it for them to be able to do that?
You might say,
"This would you give me enough time to turn in a really quality good project here so that you know that I am taking in your lessons appropriately."
Teachers love a student that takes responsibility, and they love a student that wants to turn in good work.
So if you can think about it from your teacher's perspective about what's in it for them to go out of their way, to be flexible with you, that'll help in this situation as well.
What if it doesn’t work!?
So it's totally possible that even having this game plan in place, you're still feeling really anxious and having trouble telling your teacher about your anxiety.
I've got a great video that can help you out with that, right over here: https://youtu.be/ICmUTZKqC3w
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