I'm a teen therapist and I know that more and more teens are struggling with separation anxiety these days.
If you see someone who is having trouble going to or staying in school, difficulty keeping up with their homework, or constantly checking in or messaging you until they get a response, they could be struggling with separation anxiety or another mental health condition that's impacting their day to day life.
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If you find yourself saying these things, I know it comes from a good place.
You want to help!
You wouldn't be here if you didn't have a kind heart.
I'm not here to make anyone feel bad, rather I want to help you help your friends, your students, your child, whoever it is, through their separation anxiety in a way that doesn't create another problem on top of the separation anxiety.
Without further ado, these are just a few of the harmful things I hear people say to teens who struggle with separation anxiety (and some helpful alternatives you can start saying instead)…
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01/05
❌ STOP SAYING:
“Just Breathe”
If someone is already panicking or having intense anxiety, they may have trouble breathing so this can cause them to experience MORE anxiety !!
✅ START SAYING:
"Let's get you a drink of water"
This gets them moving, which can help process physical responses to separation anxiety. Plus water is an EXCELLENT Coping Strategy!! *It's one of my favorites.
02/05
❌ STOP SAYING:
“It’s not that serious”
This is COMPLETELY invalidating!! Now they're trying to get you to understand how serious this is for them, rather than trying to cope with their separation anxiety, or even trying to solve the problem
✅ START SAYING:
"I can see how overwhelming this is.
How can I help?”
This is lovely because you are validating that their experience and responses are REAL. You are letting them know you are understanding how intense their experience is.
Plus, asking what they need and how you can help give them ownership of the solution, rather than trying to be a mind-reader and potentially getting it "wrong."
03/05
❌ STOP SAYING:
“Just don’t think about it”
Part of what’s probably feeding their anxiety is that they can’t stop thinking about the things that are stessing them out. If they could turn off their thoughts, they would. This type of over-thinking could be what we call ruminative thinking or obsessive thinking and it happens when you can’t stop thinking certain thoughts or about certain possible outcomes/scenarios.
✅ START SAYING:
"Did I tell you about the time…?”
Start telling a story! If someone is having trouble with not thinking about stressful things, offering a distraction by telling a story, or playing a thinking game can help them gently shift their thoughts away from their anxiety-provoking overthinking.
04/05
❌ STOP SAYING:
“It will be fine. Nothing bad is going to happen.”
First of all- there’s no way you could know that 100% for sure. The likelihood may be in your favor, but bad things do happen each and every day. It doesn’t matter if there is a 1 in 100 chance if they happen to be the 1 that’s impacted by such a scenario.
✅ START SAYING:
"What could you do if something bad did happen?”
This acknowledges that bad things can and do happen, even if the chances are low. Asking this question takes it a step farther by helping the person struggling with separation anxiety cope ahead by focusing on the things that are in their control.
For example, if they are worried about getting in a car accident, you can remind them that wearing a seat belt is a way we do our best to keep ourselves safe.
05/05
❌ STOP SAYING:
“Stop faking it!”
Trust me- these teens are NOT faking their distress. You may now agree with their perspective or responses, but they are very, very real. Heck, even psychosomatic symptoms are still real! The pain is real. The discomfort is real.
Now could there be some secondary gains, or learned helplessness happening? Perhaps- but is it effective to focus on that when you’re trying to help them through their Separation Anxiety? Probable not.
✅ START SAYING:
"Have you talked to your therapist about this?”
I LOVE this because it acknowledges that it’s OK to ask for help. I’m partial to Group Therapy for treating separation anxiety in teens because it can help validate and overcome their struggles when they are helping others in similar situations. Though therapy is just one way teens can seek support for their Separation Anxiety.
Not Ready for Therapy, But Still Want Help for Separation Anxiety?
The Coping Skills Crash Course is a great program for teens who prefer more of a DIY self-help approach.
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