Knowing when to stay or end the friendship is NOT a simple decision.
Especially when you’re a teenager because you’re all trying to figure out who you are, what’s important to you, and how to communicate that clearly and kindly with each other.
I’m all for trying to give friendships a chance to repair and improve….
But sometimes you gotta know when it’s time to walk away.
Asking yourself these 7 questions can help you notice red flags that it’s time to END the friendship.
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Now, it's really important to remember throughout all of these questions and these red flags that they are flags for consideration.
They don't necessarily mean an absolute end of the friendship, especially when it comes to teenagers.
Ask yourself these 7 questions, then notice and communicate any red flags in your friendships:
🚩 Can they accept Responsibility?
If they are having a really difficult time accepting responsibility for their participation or contribution to an outcome or an action, that's a red flag that you wanna consider.
So if they are having trouble accepting responsibility or accountability, you might wanna check in with them - with kindness, empathy, and curiosity- and ask them about what's getting in the way of that:
😳 They may feel embarrassed.
🙈 They might feel intimidated.
🤷♀️ They might not just have the awareness of the impact of their actions yet.
Being clear and kind and direct in your communication is going to be really, really helpful in potentially salvaging this friendship.
Then if they are still continuing to have difficulty accepting responsibility or outsourcing blame, that might be the time to end the friendship,
🚩 Do they Listen?
Listening is not as simple as staying quiet while somebody's talking. I’m talking about actively listening and participating in your conversations.
👋 Do they check in?
💡 Do they ask for clarification?
🙅♀️ If they agree or disagree, do they tell you that?
Friendship is not a one-sided venture.
You need both people to participate in that conversation.
That includes letting the other person say what they need to say and seeking understanding and clarification before we share our own thoughts and opinions on the situation.
Here are some really great ways you can practice listening:
→ Literally, stay quiet
→ Ask permission if it’s OK to ask a question
→ Respond and ask questions to gain understanding, not try to prove a point
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🚩 Are they Abusive?
So abuse is a really direct strong term, but it's probably not always accurately applied. I actually think it's underapplied in a lot of situations.
We tend to excuse abuse because it's familiar. Abusiveness is when somebody intentionally or unintentionally causes harm or damage to another person. And so when it comes to abuse, there are a few different categories that this can fall in. This is not a comprehensive list, but this could be financial, emotional, intellectual, sexual.
We need to talk about DIGITAL ABUSE
Now, one of the types of abuse that doesn't get talked about as often as I think it should, especially when it comes to teenagers is digital abuse.
Digital abuse is constant texting, location tracking, breaking into your password-protected accounts without your permission.
Now, this is not the same as your parents monitoring your digital usage or social media. That's a little bit different. That's not necessarily abusive- that might just be parenting. I'm talking about a friend or romantic interest who might be doing this.
Digital abuse can also cross the line into sexual abuse when somebody is either sending you pornographic requests or imagery without your permission or consent. Now, in the United States of America, when somebody is under age or under the age of consent and they are participating on either end of this, that becomes an issue for the FBI. There are some legal considerations there as well.
It's not as simple as "Oh, I said it was okay "and I gave them permission." And honestly, trust me, there's really no rush. As you grow older, you will be able to explore your sexuality and identity in lots of safe, responsible ways.
Plus, you never know where your digital footprint is going to land. Just because something is deleted or removed or sent privately doesn't necessarily mean that it's totally private on the internet. There are lots of ways around that. I think we all know that by now.
🚩 Do they Include you?
Oftentimes when we are younger, we develop friendships of circumstance:
Did you share a class together?
Were they your neighbor?
Are your parents friends with each other?
Those friendships can definitely grow and deepen as we grow older and discover more about who we are, our interests and our values, but that's not always the case. As you get older, you wanna check in if they still including us? And are you including them in your discovery, growth and social circles?
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If you find that you are always the person being left out, or you're not included in the group chats, that's something to potentially address with your friend.
If it's worth salvaging the friendship you might try this: "Hey, I don't know if you noticed, but I wasn't included on that group chat. Can you add me in?"
It might be a little awkward, not gonna lie. Usually, it is, especially when you're learning how to do all this stuff. But it will be well worth it, especially if this is a true friend that's worth growing together with. They may just not be aware of the impact of their actions on you. And they might take for granted that because you've always been there that you will continue always being there, no matter how they treat you.
We teach others how to treat us.
So go ahead and communicate and start the conversation.
🚩 Can you spend time Apart?
Now, when it comes to spending time together, it's also really important to spend time apart.
So is this person able to handle and tolerate not spending all of their free time with you? And can you handle that, too?
It is so important to know how to spend time with our friends, but how to spend time with ourselves as well.
It's also really great to have different friend groups that you can connect with. Having a diverse group of friends with different viewpoints or interests will help expand your own interests and ability to connect and communicate with others, which, isn't that really cool?
🚩 Do you feel Comfortable?
Your physical responses will alert you to any potential toxicity in your friendship dynamic. Do you feel comfortable in your body when you are near them or when you think about them? Or do you feel unpleasant or uncomfortable?
That discomfort is usually trying to tell you that something is happening that doesn't quite align with your values or what's important to you. Now, this could mean something for yourself, or it could mean something with the relationship.
Let’s talk about toxic relationships and friendships for a moment. So I think it's really important to apply those terms appropriately. I hate it when we talk about people as toxic. Very rarely are people themselves toxic or poisonous, but the dynamic or the relationship can become toxic if there are some of these red flags present.
Notice any discomfort and get curious about it. Start asking questions about why does this matter? Does it matter to me, does it matter to them? And see what floats up for you.
This can give you some information so you can have that direct conversation with them about what's bothering you and what you would like to be different.
You might even discover that some of the toxicity in your relationship is a direct result of your own problematic contribution.
Working with a therapist can be really useful and helpful for checking in on what are we responsible for versus what are they responsible for, in a way that's really safe and useful and helpful for your treatment progress and life goals. I happen to be very partial to group therapy because I think it's a great way to learn different skills and practice them in vivo in a supportive, safe community. But that's just me….
🚩 Are you Afraid to Speak Your Truth?
If you find yourself having difficulty speaking up and sharing your truth with others, especially your friends, then you wanna check in on what is stopping you and what is feeding that fear.
I offer a great guided self-help program that can help you identify and communicate what’s important to you called Speak Your Truth. You can learn more about this program and how to join by clicking the image below.
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