“I feel alone + nobody could possibly understand or get me.”
This is one of the top complaints I hear over and over again from the teens I support as their mental health therapist.
They have trouble finding friends they feel connected with and supported by, which is why I really wanted to make this video for you all about my favorite strategy for helping teenagers cope with their loneliness:
It's called the Belief Ladder.
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See the thing is is that our mind believes whatever we tell it to believe.
The mind-body connection is really really strong and I'm gonna help you harness this power today.
You definitely want to follow along with the steps in this video if you are struggling with loneliness yourself or you just want to shift a different negative experience into a more positive useful one for you.
IDENTIFY THE NEGATIVE THOUGHT OF BELIEF
Perhaps you're feeling very lonely you're feeling like nobody gets you. What sort of images pop up in your mind? What does that say about somebody who's in that situation?
Just because it's an automatic negative thought doesn't mean it's true and it doesn't even mean that you have to fully believe it.
That's usually where that struggle or disconnect comes in anyway because you know from your logical reasonable point of view that it's not entirely true, and yet there feels like there's some truth to it- which is where a belief ladder can really help shift those disconnects.
For this example, we're going to use the negative belief or thought: “I am unlovable”
Now that doesn't mean that you have to totally buy into the thought when you identify your negative thought or belief- trust me you will feel it in your body.
When you think about the words “I am unlovable” (or whatever your negative belief is) and you think about that lonely uncomfortable feeling you want to notice and locate where in your body do you physically feel that response most intensely or most strongly.
The easiest way to do that is to start with the top of your head and just work your way down through your different body parts all the way to your tippy toes. Notice where you feel uncomfortable and where you feel it's strongest. This is going to show up differently in every body so for you:
→ it might show up in your throat
→ for others it might show up in their belly
→ it might show up in your toes
→ it could really be any physical body part or response.
Pay attention to where it shows up most for you and if you don't notice it like super-strong that's okay, too. You just want to notice where it feels most uncomfortable.
Once you have identified the negative thought or belief you’d like to change, and located the physical discomfort that shows up along with it, I want you to write that thought down. Then rate your physical response on a scale of 0 to 10, where 10 is the most intense or strong it could possibly feel and 0 is neutral calm you don't even notice it. Write your rating next to your negative statement.
Next up we're gonna shift into what would you rather believe about yourself.
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When it comes to identifying a more positive thought you’d like to believe about yourself, you have a few options:
→ This could be the exact opposite of your negative belief
→ Or it could be a minor adjustment to your negative thought
You want it to feel believable.
Maybe instead of “I am unlovable” you might consider “I am lovable.”
If that doesn't resonate or that just feels too icky or challenging to shift your thinking to then you might want to adjust it to- something less than that such as “I can be lovable” or “I am working towards being lovable.”
For this example, we're going to go for the big guns here and we're going to go with “I am lovable.”
When you think about the new thought you’d rather believe about yourself, consider how true does it feel to you?
We're going to rate this a little bit differently- instead of that zero to ten scale, I'm going to have you rate it on a one to seven scale. (We do this on purpose so that we don't mix up our ratings and scales). One is it is absolutely not true how could it ever be true and seven is this is the 100% truth- there's no other option.
Rate how true does that more positive belief feels to you right now and write that next to that statement.
Here is the fun part when it comes to Belief Ladders:
I want you to spend the next few minutes literally writing down
50 to 100 reasons
why that more positive statement is true!
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Let’s get you started with my example “I am lovable.”
I might write down the following statements as evidence this is true:
→ I have friends
→ People subscribe to my channel
→ My dog appreciates me
→ People wish me happy birthday on social media
Keep rolling with the reasons until you have 50-100 listed.
Now I'm going to remind you right now to be kind and gentle to yourself. This is tough and it will feel uncomfortable at first. I want you to sit with the discomfort of this exercise because that's usually where the magic happens.
For a lot of people getting through those first 10 reasons can be a little bit of a challenge or a struggle, but once you push past those first 10 they tend to flow a little bit easier. For myself, I happen to hit a little snag point around the 20 to 25 mark and then again around like 70 mark. Then for some reason, all the reasons just show up and pop on through.
CELEBRATE HOW AWESOME YOU ARE!! 🎉
I am so glad that you made it through that exercise. You are amazing! However many reasons that you came up with you deserve some celebration so I'm here to celebrate you.
You are now ready for the next step:
Read through all of those reasons why that more positive statement is true. If you really want to amplify this, try saying it to yourself in the mirror. Looking at yourself that can be a really powerful and meaningful expression and experience for you. If that is like too much don't worry about it- you can silently read it to yourself. Or if you're like “nope can't look at it again right now” that's quite all right, too. You do what you need to do.
After you have done that, go back to that original negative belief or thought that you had and re-rate how intensely that thought feels in your body now using that 0-10 scale where 0 is totally calm doesn't bother you at all and ten is the most extreme intense strong that it can feel.
Did it go up? Did it go down? Did it stay the same?
Next up you're going to re-rate that more positive thought that you'd rather believe about yourself and rerate how true it feels now using that one to seven scale where one is absolutely not true at all and 7 is 100% absolutely true. Go ahead and write that down. Check-in if it went up, down, or did it stay the same?
For many people, you'll notice for that negative thought, the intensity of the discomfort actually goes down a little bit. That physical response isn't as strong as it started out. And for many the more positive thought or belief actually improves or increases because it feels stronger now that you've recapped the evidence for it.
If it didn't move in either of those directions or it stayed about the same that's quite all right, too. It might mean that you could benefit from working with a mental health therapist around this disconnet. We're really good at helping you figure out what's driving that disconnection and how to shift that thinking into a more positive useful helpful direction
I know that in the winter time thinking more negatively about yourself is pretty common it can lead to a lot more depression in the winter time which is why I've got a great video for you to check out right over here: https://youtu.be/h32By9jR8O4
IF YOU ARE CONCERNED THAT YOU, OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW, MAY BE CONSIDERING KILLING THEMSELVES, PLEASE CONNECT THEM WITH HELP.
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