How to set healthy boundaries with your friends and family

Why is it that some people have no problem saying no to you, but you find it excruciatingly painful to think about disappointing others?

You don't want to cut these people out of your life, but you do need them to start treating you better.

In this video I'm sharing 4 DBT skills that will help you do just that.

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If you prefer to read, here’s what you need to know about how to set healthy boundaries with your friends and family:

GENTLE

You want to be kind, considerate, and gentle with the way that you put your request out there.

If you use a harsh, annoyed, or angry tone, people are going to hear the emotion and not the words, even if what you're asking for is very reasonable.

When you go in hot, you're gonna startle the other person and they're probably going to go into defense mode.

So a better way of doing that is to be gentle about it. You can still be annoyed, you can still express your anger. Expressing your emotional experience lets them understand the impact on you, and using a gentle tone makes sure they can hear you clearly.

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INTERESTED

Many times when we're already annoyed and aggravated- you're at your capacity for dealing with nonsense from other people.

You're really not interested in their explanations or excuses anymore. But if you want to keep and maintain that relationship, you've got to become interested in them again. 

I know, I know. You might be, like, "Wait, I thought setting boundaries is so that I don't have to deal with that." But that's actually not true.

When you show interest and curiosity about what their thought process was, whether it's reasonable or not, you're letting them know that you want to understand them and that you want to get to know them. You're teaching them to be interested in your experience as well. Nice little double whammy there, right?

VALIDATE

When you validate somebody's experience, you're letting them know that you understand and hear them, and that, based on the information that they have, they make sense.

Now that does not mean that you have to agree with them. In fact, you probably won't. That's okay. You're more so just letting them know, that, "hey, I hear you. I understand what your thought process is here," and then you can go into setting your limit or boundary with them.

'Cause ultimately we all just wanna know that we're not crazy and that you're listening to us and taking us seriously.

When you validate the other person, it takes them off the defensive, and now they're more willing and receptive to hear what you have to say because they don't feel like they have to keep proving their point.

You've already made it, and you've already considered it. 

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EASY GOING

Make sure you appear very chill about everything, even if on the inside, you are fuming, or if you are on fire.

When you can be very chill, nonchalant, and easy-going, other people respond to what you're saying, and not to the emotions.

You want them to respond to the words and the request that you're saying.

Emotions can be quite contagious here, so you don't wanna spread your anger to become their anger to fuel your anger, and now you've got this forest fire going on.

Instead, if you can keep your cool and chill when you're setting these boundaries, you're making it less likely for the other person to get into that emotional irrational state, too.

Now that you know how to set healthy boundaries with friends and family in a way that helps you keep and maintain these relationships, using DBT's G.I.V.E. skills, you might also be interested in how to talk to your parents about your mental health struggles.

I've got a great playlist full of different strategies for talking about your mental health struggles with parents that you could check out right over here: 

https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLiLAumV7icFEF37mdWAx03wBmvfgIbnpU

If you found the information in this video useful and helpful, please share it. You never know who you could be helping.

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