Knowing how to ask for help when you're a teenager is a highly valuable life skill.
I get asked about this all the time and I'm often met with concerns like:
"It doesn't matter"
"They won't take me seriously"
"They're going to say no anyway"
"I'll just wait until I'm 18"
But I'm here to let you know that you DON'T actually have to wait.
You can learn how to ask for help right now!
This strategy from DBT called DEAR MAN can help you effectively ask for what you want.
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Gentle Reminders
Now, this is not a 100% guarantee, so I want you to just take a moment and manage your expectations.
→ Make it reasonable: You wanna make sure that what you're asking for and who you're asking for it from is reasonable. For example, if I'm wanting to sleep over for a weekend at my friend's house, but every time that I've gone over there, I've managed to get into trouble, it's probably unlikely that your parents are just going to automatically say, "Yeah, no problem, free pass!"
You wanna make sure that you are building up trustworthiness by matching your behaviors to the words that you're saying.
→ Bite-sized pieces: I often talk about how building trustworthiness or intimacy in a friendship or relationship of any capacity is kind of like climbing a ladder. In order to get to the top of that ladder, whether you're trying to get to the second floor or to a high shelf, you have to take it one step at a time.
You might be able to take it two steps at a time, potentially three steps, if you have really long limbs, but most of us are meant to take ladders one step at a time to reach our final destination.
It takes a little more time and effort to build that stamina and increase your height on the ladder. It's really easy to slip and fall, and then you've got to rebuild again.
Breaking your request into bite-size pieces might make a little more sense rather than going for the big kahuna right from the get-go.
→ Write it out: Y'all know I'm all about being clear. Clear is kind. If you're not clear on what it is that you're asking for or what it is that you want the outcome to be, it's gonna be really difficult to speak and articulate that.
Also, when you write it out, sometimes you can actually write it in letter form and physically give it to the person that you're asking this request from. Whether it's an actual pen and paper letter or you're typing an email, that can be useful so that if they're caught off-guard and perhaps they're having an emotional reaction at first, they can take that letter or that email or that text message or whatever, and reflect on it later when they're not as in an intense emotional state of mind, so they can actually view it a little more clearheaded.
→ Use your coping skills: Asking for help can be a really anxiety-provoking situation for you doing the asking, but also the person that you are asking something from.
You wanna make sure that you're in a well enough regulated state before, during, and after this conversation.
That way, if you do start to feel yourself becoming physically or emotionally dysregulated or overwhelmed, or what we call flooded, you have some coping strategies to pull yourself back in and get back down to a more manageable level.
Now, you don't wanna necessarily use your coping skills to entirely turn off your emotional experience. Emotions are great. We need them to emphasize and help other people understand us and the importance of what it is that we're trying to communicate. But you do need them to be manageable. You don't wanna be all emotion coming at you.
→ Take a break: Don't forget that you can absolutely take a break if you need to. There's nothing that says that you have to continue and have the full conversation in one go. If it's not going well, abort. Get out of there, retreat. Come back another time.
There's nothing to say that you have to pursue and push forward. It's a very good thing to pause and take a break and regroup and come back at a later time when it's convenient and good for both of you.
And then if it is still a no after you use this strategy, keep in mind that it probably was always going to be a no and you might have to go back to that first point and just manage your expectations.
Let's get into the DEAR MAN strategy…
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DEAR MAN
The DEAR part of DEAR MAN, or the D-E-A-R part, is all about what you're going to say when you're making this request from somebody. And the MAN part, or the M-A-N, is all about how you're going to ask this of the person.
Keep in mind that you can use this strategy for a multitude of requests and situations:
→ You can use it to say no.
→ You can use it to ask your crush out on a date.
→ You can use it to ask your teachers for help.
→ You can use it to ask your parents for therapy.
The list goes on and on and on…
I highly recommend as we go over this that you jot some notes down, because you're probably gonna wanna follow along with this video, and if you need to pause and rewind and come back, that's okay, too.
Describe the situation
A lot of people wanna give a total background and a lot of factual information here. Facts are good, but you just wanna be short, sweet, and to the point.
What is the actual situation?
You wanna set the scene for what it is that you're about to ask for. You wanna be clear, you wanna be direct, you wanna be kind.
Express your thoughts and opinions
This is where you start to share your own experience. I highly recommend that you talk from an "I perspective" not a "you perspective." So, talk about how you as an individual, or an “I,” are experiencing this situation.
How is it impacting the way you think, the way you feel, your desires?
This is also an excellent time to use those "I feel" statements:
→ "I feel..." the emotion
→ "when..." the situation or the behavioral description
→ "because I think..." what is the meaning or interpretation that you're putting on that situation that's making you feel that way about it?
This gives a little more context and information about why this request is important to you.
Ask for it
This is pretty simple and straightforward.
You gotta ask for it!
You've gotta ask for the help.
You've gotta say the no.
You've gotta put that request out there.
Just again, be clear, direct, kind.
Reward the other person
Oftentimes, if we don't really know what's in it for us, we're not as apt to oblige to a request.
This is the part where I see a lot of teenagers struggle and get this wrong because this is the part where they are thinking from their own perspective about what would convince them to say yes to themselves.
You've already managed that. You already know what it is that you want from the other person and why it would benefit you.
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You've gotta think about it from the other person's perspective…
Why would they go out of their way to give you what you're asking for?
How does it benefit them?
If you can see from their perspective how it's a win-win for both of you, they're more likely to give you what you're asking for.
Okay, so MAN, if you remember, is all about how to ask for this:
Mindful of yourself and others
You wanna be aware if this is a good time for you. And is this a good time for them, too?
Prepare and cope ahead with those Coping Strategies as we talked about.
You wanna make sure that you're in a good, regulated state of mind physical status, and emotional state for this conversation.
Appear confident
If you are showing up with poor eye contact, poor body posture, unsure of yourself, it's gonna be hard for people to take your requests seriously even if it's really important to you.
Now, I get it. As a therapist who works with people who are shy, introverted, potentially depressed, or anxious, it can make it really difficult to appear confident when something is important to you.
So, maybe practicing a little bit, either in your head, we call that scripting, or practicing talking to yourself in the mirror, something that just gets you in the zone for that. And if that's still really difficult, put it in a letter.
Negotiate
This is really one of the most important parts of this, and that is being willing to negotiate.
Of course, you want an absolute 100%, "Yes, I will give you exactly what you're asking for." But maybe they're not in a position where they have the time, resources, or energy to say yes 100%.
Stay open and flexible to other options.
Maybe have a few other options of backup to propose at this point. This is going to be really useful and helpful to you as well.
Remember how we talked about breaking this into bite-size pieces? This might be a situation where you might not be able to get everything that you're asking for, but maybe you can take a step towards getting everything that you're asking for.
And if you're really getting stuck or at this standpoint where they're saying, "No, I can't do that," and you're like, "Please, I need you to," perhaps doing this strategy called turning the other tables can work here.
That is where you literally sit back, you observe the situation. You go back to describe again and you say, "You know, I'm really wanting this from you. "You're telling me that you can't do that. "Like, what should we do here?" and asking them what their thoughts are about what a happy medium might be for the two of you.
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