You know who they are- maybe they're a crush, a friend, your ex, someone who upset you- whoever it is, this secret will help you to stop obsessing about them.
It is NORMAL to think about someone you care about. Though overthinking, or obsessing about them can get problematic though when it interferes with your day-to-day life.
→ Like are you having trouble doing your homework?
→ Do you forget to eat because you're lost in your thoughts?
→ Do you have trouble talking about anything else without associating it with them?
→ Can't go to sleep because you can't stop replaying different scenarios in your head?
Let's help you get control over your thinking so you can stop obsessing and start enjoying more peace in your life again.
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Obsessing can also be quite problematic if you feel overly anxious, worried, or even sad and depressed when you think about them. This can look like imagining they are in unsafe situations or thinking you're not good enough for them like there's something wrong with you or you are inferior to them.
These are all signs you're feeling insecure.
When we feel insecure, we tend to do things that make us feel more in control of the situation or circumstances. But the thing is when it comes to other people we don't have a ton of control over other people's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors- so we try to go into finding a deep problem-solving mode which is where obsessing can come in. Because one of the things we CAN control is our thinking.
Now you may be like "um Mallory- I'm here because I can't control my obsessive thinking" - and don't worry I got you- stick with me here because I'm about to blow your mind with the secret to stop obsessing over them right now.
The secret to STOP obsessing over “them” is to:
Create Secure Attachments
Remember how I said earlier that these are all signs of insecurity?
Here's where it all comes full circle….
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Earlier research about relationships and attachment styles, particularly by John Bowlby, found that there were four attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, anxious-avoidant, and secure. *If you’re not familiar with these styles click here to watch the video where I break this down much more in-depth.
However, more recent research is finding that your attachment style CAN actually change based on your relationship experiences.
For example, someone with an overly avoidant attachment style can move you towards an anxious attachment in that relationship because as they retreat and pull away, you find yourself trying to connect even more, which can reinforce their pulling away, and thus the cycle continues. However, when you or someone else in the relationship can create a secure base, you can both move toward a secure attachment style within that relationship.
So how do you create a secure base?
Identify your values
Get to know yourself. Think about your interests from a younger age and now. Reconnect with play and fun, even if it seems "childish" Try new things and learn new skills that interest you
Communicate, communicate, communicate
You can't expect others to be mind or mood readers- that's entirely unfair and puts you both at a disadvantage. Keep talking about what you need and be prepared to hear and listen to the other person’s perspective, too.
Cope ahead
There will still be distressing times in your relationship or healing process if you're obsessing over an ex. Learning how to tolerate the intense times are where coping skills come in. They help you hang in there through these hard times. The Coping Skills Crash Course can give you a deeper dive into coping strategies.
Assess and Reassess
Sometimes we can do all the right things and clearly ask for what we need and the other person may not be capable or interested in working and growing with you. Painful, but it does happen. Assess if this is still working for you or if you need to possibly change the status of your relationship. Maybe you need to decrease your contact with them by unfriending them on social media so they don't pop up on your feed. Or maybe you need to actually end the relationship or take a break.
Boundaries are an invitation to stay connected in healthier ways.
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