STOP saying these 5 harmful things to teens who self harm (+ helpful alternatives)

Let's all agree to STOP saying these 5 harmful things to teens who struggle with self-harm behaviors and urges.

Don't worry- I'm also including helpful alternatives you can say for each one instead if you'd like to help them find healthy alternatives to self-harm.

*Content Warning: This video contains content related to Self Harm. Please take the appropriate steps to protect your mental health + expectations. In the US you can text the Crisis Text Line 24/7 at 741-741.

For a list of crisis numbers by country, click here: https://support.google.com/youtube/answer/2802245?hl=en&ref_topic=9386941

If you prefer to watch the video, click this image here:

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I know that you're just trying to be useful and helpful.

You may think that you're being motivating and kind with these words, but there is a better way and I'm here to tell you how. And don't worry, I won't leave you hanging I'm gonna share some helpful alternatives as well.

Here’s are the 5 harmful things you need to STOP saying to teens who self-harm

(and helpful alternatives you can say instead):

1. People don't self-harm because it's cool.

❌"Nobody thinks it's cool that you're doing that."

People might start self-harming because they're curious and they're looking for other ways to feel better, but that doesn't mean that they're doing it because it's cool or it's a fad or it's fashionable.

Try this helpful alternative instead:

✅ "Hey, can I share some of my coping skills with you?"

That's really awesome because they're probably searching up ways to feel better or to release some sort of intense emotional energy.

So if you can share with them some healthier or helpful coping strategies or skills that work for you, you might be able to help them replace that self-harm behavior with something that's healthier.

2. What's so bad about wanting some attention?

❌ "you're just doing it for attention"

I don't know when attention got such a bad rap or why it's so wrong to want attention. care and consideration from other people 'cause that's really what we mean when we say that.

A helpful alternative you can say instead is:

✅ "I'm here for you"

The reason why that is such a better, more helpful alternative is that oftentimes when people are doing things that historically we would have called "attention-seeking behavior," it's really about seeking connections with other people.

So if you can establish with them that you are here for them, that you aren't going anywhere, that you want to invest in this relationship whether it is a friendship, it's a parent-child relationship, a teacher-student. Whatever the relationship is- just letting them know that you're there for them and be really clear, direct, and intentional with the ways that you can show up and be there for them.

So I think you all know by now that I am a therapist that's licensed to practice with people who are physically located in the states of Connecticut and New York. I wish it was different, but I don't make the licensing laws, sorry!

So you can imagine that I am somebody who is a resource for many people: all of my active clients and all the personal relationships in my own world and life. I have to be really intentional with letting people know what my capacity and limits are for being available because if I'm in session with a client and somebody else is needing my help and support, I'm not gonna be able to answer the phone during that session.

So what I do is that I give alternative resources as well for when I'm not available. And I'm very clear that I'm not available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I don't think that's healthy for anybody especially when you're supporting a friend who's struggling with something like self-harm. YouTube actually put together a wonderful resource of crisis supports by country, that I include already in each video's description.

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3. This is nonsense:

❌ "No boy is ever gonna like you with scars like that"

First of all, it's really presumptuous in assuming that that person is interested in a particular gender. Please don't do that unless somebody has specifically told you that.

Besides that though when it comes to engaging in self-harm, there's often a layer of upset or shame already. Those scars might be meaningful or purposeful to the person who is self-harming, but they might also bring up more memories of shame.

So when you then also layer it with the idea that somebody could not love them or care for them when they are engaging in this sort of behavior, you're reinforcing all those reasons that probably lead them to self-harm in the first place.

I will also add there are plenty of examples of people who have recovered from self-harm and have gone on to healthy and successful romantic relationships and friendships. So it's nonsense anyway.

Instead, try saying this helpful alternative:

✅ "ooh ouch, have you tried using Bacitracin or Neosporin on those?"

What's great about this is you're acknowledging that it is an ouch. It is an injury, whether it was self-inflicted or not. The fact is it's that there is a wound there that needs to be healed.

Offering some healthy alternatives as a question, not a direction, but as a question, leads the other person to understand and interpret that you care about their health and wellbeing. Which is pretty cool and probably what you're trying to communicate anyway, right!?

 4. You can be grateful AND still feel deep pain at the same time.

❌ " I don't understand. You have so much in your life to be happy about."

Most people who self-harm or self-injure actually express a lot of appreciation and gratitude for the things that are great about their lives.

They can totally acknowledge that and still feel intense, deep pain or hurt or just discomfort which can lead to self-harm behavior.

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Because we tend to live in this very binary thinking kind of a world (which isn't useful and is not realistic) we grow up with these books and ideas that say things like:

• "it must up or it must be down"

• "it must be left or it must be right"

So getting stuck in this toxic either/or dynamic that you must express gratitude or you must experience pain, isn't useful or helpful because it's just not realistic.

You can have multiple moods and multiple feelings and emotions at any point in time.

By relating back to not understanding they could also be grateful is already assuming that they're not grateful, (which they probably are) and it feeds into that binary thinking of "it must be this, it must be that" which feels horribly invalidating.

Instead, a more helpful alternative would be to say:

✅ "You must really be struggling right now."

What's nice about that is you're expressing care and concern and acknowledging that they're really struggling.

You can also boost that and follow it up with a:

🌟 " I'd love to hear more about what you're going through."

Please don't say that though, if you're really not interested because then you can just reinforce that negative experience for them.

Oftentimes a lot of these kids and people who struggle with self-harm think that they have to go it alone, that nobody is interested, that nobody could possibly care.

Showing care, attention, and concern can be really healing for their own healing process as well.

5. THIS IS THE WORST! 🙈

❌ "Whoa, you must be crazy!"

First of all, most people aren't crazy. Most people are doing the best that they can to cope and survive whatever struggles or stress that they're going through.

Please don't call people crazy in a negative way. It's horribly cruel, it's horribly unkind.

If you're saying like, "wow, you must be crazy, like crazy fun." I'm all for that. But saying somebody's crazy as a negative stereotype just reinforces all that shame that we talked about before and you don't wanna be doing that.

❌ Also showing extreme shock, like "whoa!" or "WOW!" is also not cool.

Most people who self-harm again, don't always feel great about it by showing shock and awe like that, you're actually reinforcing that they need to hide who they are and what they're struggling with rather than reaching out for help and support.

So something better you can say instead is:

✅"Hey, have you considered talking to a therapist about that? They can really help."

What's lovely about this is that most mental health therapists are trained to support people who are struggling with self-harm and self-injury. I happen to be somebody who specializes in this area but if they're not, they can often help link you up with a therapist who is.

>> I have seen people recover from self-harm over and over again!! <<

I'm not saying that therapy is the end-all and be-all. I happen to be trained as a therapist and so that's the style that I help support people with. You want to offer them some specialized professional care or support if they're struggling that much.

If they happen to already be working with an awesome therapist, or you're just looking for other ways to support your friends who self-harm, I highly recommend that you watch this video next: https://youtu.be/7LRBvFdTOUQ

 If you found the information in this video post useful and helpful, you know what to do, go ahead and share it.

You never know who YOU could be helping when you do!

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IF YOU ARE CONCERNED THAT YOU, OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW, MAY BE CONSIDERING KILLING THEMSELVES, PLEASE CONNECT THEM WITH HELP.

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