How to ask your parents for therapy using DEAR MAN

Asking your parents for therapy can feel really, really scary when you’re a teenager!

There's a great DBT strategy called DEAR MAN that can help you ask your parents for therapy.

DEAR MAN is a Dialectical Behavior Therapy strategy from the Interpersonal Effective module. They recommend using the DEAR MAN strategy to be more effective in asking for what you want.

DEAR is what you say and MAN is how you say it.

Now it's important to remember that no strategy is 100% effective, and if the answer is still no, it may wise to problem solve other solutions to this challenge for now.

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If you prefer to read, here’s what you need to know about how to ask your parents to see a therapist using DEAR MAN:

DESCRIBE THE SITUATION

This part should be short and sweet. What is the current circumstance that's even making you want to ask for this now?

In this case, you're gonna describe the situation that's causing you to want to seek therapy from the start.

So if you're somebody who's been really struggling with anxiety to the point that it's impacting your sleep, you wanna say, so I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping.

If you are asking for therapy because you just feel angry and irritable all the time, you wanna share, so I've been really struggling with my anger and irritability all the time.

See how that works there? Just stay very factual and to the point for this first part.

EXPRESS YOUR THOUGHTS + OPINIONS

This is not where you tell and shout at your parents that they need to do this for you. Please don't that. That is not gonna be useful or helpful here, but you can share what you are thinking an interpretation of this experience is.

This is an excellent time to use "I" statements and speak from an "I" perspective, which means that you're not telling other people what they think and feel about the situation. You're just sharing your own personal thoughts and opinions.

So in this situation you might say, I've been doing some research and I've noticed that therapy can help people who are struggling with this.

You'll obviously wanna personalize this to your style of speaking. You don't necessarily wanna use my words because I'm not you. And you're not me.

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ASK FOR IT

So, if you are wanting to see a therapist, you literally have to use the words and ask for it, specifically:

❌ Don't leave it up to interpretation.

❌ Don't leave it up to your parents to guess what it is that you want or what you think would be useful or helpful, or they'll fill in the blanks the best way they can.

❌ And it might not match what you want.

CLEAR IS KIND!

Be direct, be clear. Say exactly what it is that you're asking for.

REWARD THE OTHER PERSON

We often come up with these big arguments and scenarios about what would convince us to give us what we want, but that's not really useful or helpful when you're talking to somebody else because they have their own experiences and their own way of thinking about things.

So I want you to think about from your parents' perspective: What would they get out of offering to bring you to see a teen therapist?

And please, please, please don't say, well, a happier kid. All parents, for the most part, want that. There's a lot of paths to a happier kid.

❌ Don't think about it from how it benefits you.

✅ Think about how it benefits them.

All right, so now that you've got your list down of what it is that you wanna say, you gotta think about how you're going to say it to them. So that's where M.A.N. comes in:

MINDFUL OF YOURSELF + OTHERS

Remember how we were talking about thinking about it from the parents' perspective + not your perspective? This is important here too.

You wanna make sure that you are in a good, healthy emotional state where you can hang in there and talk about this stuff in a gentle, respectful tone. If you can't do that, use your coping skills and come back.

Also, just because it's a good time for you, doesn't mean that it's a good time for the other person. So ask their permission like, hey, is now a good time? I wanted to talk with you about something.

You wanna make sure that they have the time, care, and attention that this conversation deserves.

Especially, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that it's really important to you if you're taking the time to watch this video.

So you wanna make sure that it's important to them too.

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APPEAR CONFIDENT

I would highly recommend maybe practicing what it is that you wanna say, or even going in there prepared, having it written down on a piece of paper.

Letting your parents know that you have thought through this and that you have planned ahead is going to help them take you more seriously. Now, of course, it's not always a guarantee, but it can help.

And when you do talk to them, make sure to make eye contact. You don't wanna just avoid them. You wanna speak up + use your voice to speak your truth.

Again, clear is kind here. And that applies to your tone and the way that you present yourself.

NEGOTIATE

I don't necessarily mean about bartering and sitting down at the conference table like, okay what are you gonna give me? sort of a thing.

 

I mean being willing to stay open to other considerations and possibilities.

Maybe you wanna see a specific therapist, but your parents don't agree with that style of therapy, but they're willing to take you to another therapist. Stay open to it and consider ahead of time what it is that you're willing to flex on and what you're not.

If you are kind of stuck in this standstill where you really wanna see a therapist and your parents aren't totally in agreement with that, you can also use the strategy of what we call turning the tables, which is literally to say to your parents, so I'm really wanting to see a therapist. You don't seem totally sold on that idea. What do you think that we should do about this?

Now, of course, your parents can pull the ultimate parent card and say, well, nothing, I'm the parent. Totally a possibility. I can't control your parents. You can't control your parents. But, you might be surprised that they might be willing to consider it in two weeks, or let's talk to your pediatrician first, or why don't we try this out first?

Be gentle, hang in there, stay kind. And eventually, your parents will either come around and understand that this can be beneficial, or you will become a certain age where you yourself can make these choices for yourself.

Until then, if you are struggling with having your parents take you and your mental health seriously as a teenager, I highly recommend that you watch this video here: https://youtu.be/teevcLpWhP4

And if you found the information in this particular video useful and helpful, please share it. You never know who YOU could be helping. Thanks for reading!

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