here's how to build healthy relationships for teens when you don't fit in and have no friends

Building healthy relationships when you're a teenager can be confusing when you don't fit in and have no friends.

As a mental health therapist, I work with a lot of teenagers who feel alone and like no one gets them. The biggest myth I hear is "you'll find your people when you get to college."

But you don't have to wait that long- you can start building healthy relationships while you're still in high school.

Here's how you can build healthy relationships when you don't fit in and have no friends in 5 easy steps.

If you prefer to watch the video, click this image here:

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If you prefer to read, here’s what you need to know about how to build healthy relationships for teens when you don’t fit in and have no friends:

STEP 1: CELEBRATE!!

So this is really, really exciting because you get to start from scratch.

When you don't already have previous friendships or toxicity in your friendships you don't have to worry about teasing that out and separating and letting go from toxic friendship dynamics.

Take a moment, celebrate that you get to start fresh!

STEP 2: CREATE YOUR FRIENDWORTHY WISHLIST

Consider what you want in a friend. What would make them worthy of your friendship?

Yep. I don't want you to think about what makes you a good friend, I want you to think about what would make somebody else a good friend to you.

Take some time and space- go to a spot where you can relax, maybe have some quietness or some music to help you focus or whatever works for you. Set a timer and really consider and reflect on some examples or behavioral descriptions of something that you have on your friendworthy list.

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For example, one of the things that's on my friendworthy list is that I need them to have integrity. So I need them to mean what they say and say what they mean and act accordingly. It's a high value of mine and it's something that I find respectful and meaningful when somebody can say what they mean and mean what they say without the excess complications.

This leads me straight into step number three....

STEP 3: THINK OF CONCRETE EXAMPLES

What are 1-3 concrete examples of how somebody could demonstrate that trait or quality?

So if integrity is something that's on your list, you wanna consider some examples that you know in real life or in movies or books that you have seen somebody exhibit that trait or quality.

For example, one thing I know shows integrity or a value of integrity is that if somebody says that they will call on Tuesday night at 7:00 PM, they then call on Tuesday night at 7:00 PM.

When their words match their actions and their actions match their words, those are some good indicators that they're probably somebody friendworthy for me.

Psst- I really encourage you all to share your friendworthy list in the comments for this video on YouTube here: https://youtu.be/tNoD25Ux0AI

You might be able to help somebody who's getting stuck on this step.

STEP 4: TREAT YOURSELF THIS WAY

You're now ready for step number four, and that is to start treating yourself this way.

So let's say for example, that you have kindness on your friendworthy trait list. One of the concrete examples that you have for how somebody could exhibit kindness is they take time to ask you about your day.

I want you to start treating yourself that way too.

Pause and reflect: what are some ways that you can be kind to yourself and then go ahead and do that.

→ It could be something as simple as when you find yourself having an automatic negative thought, you just pause and go, "Hey, I don't have to believe that."

→ You might try telling yourself kind things that you like and appreciate about yourself.

→ You might just talk more kindly to yourself instead of being so hard on yourself and saying I will never find good friends. Reframe that and say it as I am working on finding good friends. See how that little tweak can change the way you think and feel about yourself and it's a little kinder.

Talk and treat yourself the way that you would want your friends to talk to you if that's something that you're looking for in a good friendship.

STEP 5: TREAT OTHERS THIS WAY

So once you've started taking action on being kind to yourself, I want you to roll right into step number five, and that is treating others this way.

Even if they're not friend-worthy and even if they are not somebody who you want to be friends with, acting this way towards others will let other people know, "Hey that's somebody who I wanna be friends with."

When you treat other people this way, it will help you build your own confidence and build your community.

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Here are a few places that you might find some hidden friendship:

👩‍🎓 taking a class

🛋 signing up for group therapy

⚽️ joining a sports team

There are so many things that if you have an interest in it, there's gonna be other like-minded people there already.

If you are feeling too anxious to show up for something like that, I have a great video that you should watch right here: https://youtu.be/i8caR8M7nVc

And if you found the information in this video useful and helpful please share it.

You never know who YOU could be helping. 

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