Surprising things being a Teen Therapist has taught me

Deciding to become a mental health therapist means you learn a lot of surprising things.

Luckily for you, you don’t have to spend years going to grad school + completing your fieldwork to benefit from these experiences.

I'm sharing my thoughts on just a few surprising things being a teen therapist has taught me.

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People are doing the best they can

In fact, it doesn't make sense to me when people assume that people aren't trying to do better or just be better human beings.

The idea that somebody is willingly, knowingly, self-sabotaging or engaging in toxic behaviors or problematic relationships, just doesn't make sense to me.

I have found over and over again, that people really aren't trying to lead miserable lives. In fact, they're just trying to do the best they can to survive this moment and get to the next.

I found therapy has been widely useful and helpful in a variety of these situations because it allows people to figure out:

"Okay, where is this kinda going sideways? Where do I want to be? And how can I get there?"

Sometimes it just comes from a lack of confidence. And other times it comes from a lack of know-how. So knowing the strategies and the skills or the path, makes it a lot easier.

It's kinda like if you are climbing a mountain- if you're just kind of showing up to the mountain and trying to get to the top, you probably could figure it out, but it's gonna be a lot harder than if you had a map. If you had a map and a guide who's already trekked to the top, they can help you out along the way and point out like, "Hey, you probably don't want to go up that route because it's a little more difficult. Why don't you try turning this direction instead?"

Therapy doesn’t work for everybody

Now, that being said, something else surprising that I found being a therapist is that therapy doesn't work for everybody.

That's right. Sometimes therapy can fail people.

It's not that people fail therapy. I hate when I hear like, "Oh, they just didn't participate, or they just didn't do what they needed to do."

I genuinely think that people get the help they need when they're ready for that help. But also that sometimes the therapy approach or model just isn't what that person needs right then and there.

It's actually led to a few awkward conversations that I've had to have with people along the way where perhaps I'm not the right therapist or my training is not the right approach that they need to get to the goals that they want.

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Setting Boundaries is still uncomfortable

As a therapist, I just want to help everybody. I wanna be there the best I can. And I want to show up and give all this knowledge and experience and just kind of transfer it over to y'all, but that's not how therapy works.

In order for me to continue to show up and be the best that I can be so that I can make these videos for you and show up for my clients to give them the support that they need, I need to make sure that I am taking care of myself.

So sometimes that means having those uncomfortable conversations, where I have to set some boundaries.

Now I happen to work with teenagers, which means most of them are in school during the morning and early afternoon hours. This really limits me to see my clients in the mid-afternoon to early evening times.

One of the things that I find really difficult still is telling people that I don't have any openings available. I can't work 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

There's no way that I'd be able to show up for these videos for you and help spread the word that like "therapy is cool", and I definitely wouldn't be able to keep my energy and attention and presence up for the teens that I am seeing.

This is why I have to be really strict with how many clients I can see at a certain amount of time. Otherwise, I'm not really doing right by them.

Bad reactions doesn’t mean they’re not listening

I will tell you one of the things that I wish that I could get across to everybody, this surprising truth, and that is that, just because you set a boundary with somebody and they have a bad reaction, doesn't mean that they're not listening.

I think it is totally normal when somebody tells you something that you don't wanna hear or that you don't appreciate, or it's not the way you want to get angry and upset about that. I happened to be a little more reserved in my reactions at this point, but it makes sense.

Like, I don't like being told "No", just like you don't like being told "No", but that doesn't mean that the other person isn't listening and taking that information in.

It can be a little uncomfortable and maybe a little embarrassing when somebody points out that you've had a problematic impact on you or their relationship, so a lot of people tend to go into defense mode at that point. Maybe they get really angry, maybe they sulk, maybe they cry, maybe they take space. I mean, there's a lot of variations of uncomfortable emotional reactions to when you're told "No", but that doesn't mean that they're not listening and that they're willing to make a change.

Many people won't circle back and tell you that, you got to look for the changed behavior….

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There was one time when I was in grad school and I was working at a group home for teenagers, and one of the kids missed curfew. When they came home, I had the uncomfortable conversation of like, "Hey, you missed curfew, now you've got this consequence."

At the time, I had a really good relationship with this teen, and so I took it upon myself to have this really deep heart to heart with them. I remember their reaction at the time was not good and I remember feeling so defeated and so upset.

I was like, “you know, that was just like in one ear and out the other.” I felt like I was talking to a wall because I wasn't getting the reaction that I thought I deserved from that moment. I was expecting this big "Aha" and "Thank you" and appreciation, and "I'm gonna get right on that", which was totally unrealistic at the time. I know this now, but at the time, that's what I thought was gonna happen.

Maybe like a half-hour later, I was in the office doing some work and the office opened up to the living room area, and I happened to hear this teen talking to another housemate about a similar situation. And I heard them say the words that I had told them as advice to this other teenager, as though it were their own thoughts. I remember being like, "Whoa, they were listening." They just couldn't tell me at that moment.

Even though setting boundaries can be hell uncomfortable and people often have a bad reaction at the moment, don't stop there. Don't get discouraged. Look for the changed behavior because that will tell you if they're taking you seriously or not.

People don’t like being told what to do

When I first was learning how to be a therapist, I was under the false assumption that it was all about giving advice.

In fact, a lot of people ask me in the comments, can you give me advice and ethically and legally, I can't give you advice. I know that's weird, right?

Therapy isn't about me as a therapist telling you what you should do. It's about me teaching you how you can figure out the best decision for you. Little different, right?

And I don't know about you, typically, if somebody tells me what to do that I didn't ask them for that, I get really upset. I like to figure it out myself.

Being Present is often better than offering Solutions

Some better approaches to offering help might be asking some questions or getting some information about what sort of support and help that they're looking for at that moment, rather than assuming and trying to fill in the blanks with what you would do.

You might be surprised you might learn a few things along the way too.

In fact, remaining present in a conversation is often much more valuable and useful than offering solutions. It's one of the reasons that I think therapy works so well for so many people.

How often do you get direct feedback, and just the ability to think your thoughts out loud, that you can hear yourself think?

You're also getting direct support in the moment.

Somebody I worked with once said, you know, "Therapy is like a live interactive journal". Which I thought was pretty cool. I was like, "You know, kinda." Except that you know that we are a live person with a beating heartbeat and we have your best interests at heart.

People are highly capable

If you think about it, you have survived all the situations and all the days of your life up until now, and I hope that you will continue to do so.

It's really worth celebrating those moments and giving yourself a little credit from time to time. In fact, I really encourage my clients to toot their own horn.

For some reason, we've gotten this weird messaging that you're not allowed to acknowledge your accomplishments and celebrate them publicly, which I think is ridiculous. I mean, you worked hard. You accomplished a big thing. Whether it is big to somebody else or not, who cares if it's big to you.

Celebrate, announce it- let's party 🎉.

People DO get better

One of my favorite things about being a teen therapist is when my teenagers tell me that they're ready to move on from therapy. I think it is the coolest thing.

It lets me know that they are feeling secure and confident in themselves, that they have the know-how and skills to move on to that next phase of life. And that is pretty awesome.

One of the ways that I help teens get there is by helping them create things like a Coping Ahead Plan. In fact, I talk about how to create a Coping Ahead Plan in this video right over here: How to Handle Consistent Suicidal Thoughts using a Coping Ahead Plan.

→ Click here to watch that video: https://youtu.be/So-c6mpg_Ic

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