The year is 2022 and you have spent the last three years in a worldwide pandemic and you are ready to ask your crush out for a date.

But before you do that, I want you to play a little game with me…

Close your eyes and imagine your crush is right in front of you. Envision and imagine that you are asking them out and that they're saying yes.

💛 How do you feel?

💛 Where in your body do you notice that?

💛 Are you feeling nervous, excited, scared, happy?

💛 What is going on for you?

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As you already know anxiety is just letting you know that something new or different or potentially dangerous is about to happen. So you just want to proceed with caution because when it comes to confessing your feelings to somebody and asking them out on a date, that's probably one of the most anxiety-provoking, vulnerable experiences that you can put out there.

It makes total sense if you're feeling nervous. It can feel wildly uncomfortable to think about asking your crush on a date but if you want a date in 2022, someone's gotta make a move.

That's why in this video post, you’ll learn how to use a strategy from psychology called DEAR MAN to ask your crush on a date.

What is DEAR MAN?

It's a strategy that comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy used to effectively ask for what you want from others.

Now, just a gentle reminder: This strategy is not a 100% guarantee.

If you want more of a deep dive into the DEAR MAN strategy, you can watch my video from last week about how to ask for help here: https://youtu.be/eEr-27NzP1s

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How to use DEAR MAN to ask for a Date

Remember DEAR is all about what you say, and MAN is about how you say it. So we're gonna back up for a moment and we're actually gonna do this in reverse.

Usually, I go over DEAR first and then MAN. But in this post, we're gonna start with MAN first.

M= Mindful

You want to make sure that this is a good time for you and for the other person to have this conversation. If you have never had a conversation with them in the middle of lunch, going up to them in the middle of the lunchroom, with everybody looking at you, is probably going to make you more nervous. So that might not be the ideal situation.

That said, another way that you could do that is to perhaps message them on social media if you have their information, or if you don't in person when you see them ask if they can talk to you separately and let them know that like you're not mad at them, they're not in trouble. You just had a question for them.

The other thing to keep in mind with this is you want to use your coping skills. Y'all know I love those coping strategies. They're all about helping you hang in there through an intense, uncomfortable, emotional experience so that you can then get through to a more manageable level. So by staying level, by using your coping strategies before, during, and after this conversation is going to really help to reregulate all these emotions that are going through you.

Remember we talked about how you might be feeling a little excited, a little nervous, a little anxious. That's because excitement and nervousness actually light up the same area of the brain. So your brain is getting mixed signals a little bit with this 'cause it's not really sure how to feel about it yet until you get a response.

Prepare and plan ahead with your Coping Strategies.

If you are wanting more of a deeper dive into coping skills, I have a ton of videos on them, but you can also sign up for the Coping Skills Crash Course.

It’s getting a MAJOR upgrade right now!!

In fact, when I filmed the video for this post, I also filmed some new videos for that program too so you might see me in the same outfit.

A= Appear confident

Practice what you want to say. Watching this video is going to help build your self-esteem and confidence in having this conversation and putting out that request because you're going to be prepared.

When we can practice and potentially even write out what it is that we want to say and plan it out ahead of time our brain thinks that we've already had that conversation so it's nothing new or unfamiliar.

The fact that you've already practiced it tells your brain like “oh, we've already been here. We've already done this before. So we don't have to sound the alarm on the anxiety that loud anymore.”

Try it out, practice it, write it down. You can even bring it with you to the conversation or have it ready to go in your notes app, that way you can just copy and paste it if you're gonna be doing this on social media or in a direct text message.

N= Negotiate

In terms of negotiating, when it comes to asking for a date, there's not really too much room for negotiation here, but you just want to make sure to offer options.

Maybe they can't go on a date with you this week, but next week is better. So it might be worth offering one or two activities or times or dates that might work for you.

And if they say no to those, you can then potentially, based on your own comfort here, ask them if another day or another activity might be good for them or if they just don't want to date you in general. 

I know it can feel like, “oof, knife to the heart,” but at least you will have your answer. And then you can release, heal, and let go and get ready to ask your next crush out because there will always be a next crush, trust me.

So let's get into how to actually ask them out.

You’ll use DEAR for what you're going to say:

1. Describe the situation

2. Express your thoughts and opinions

3. Ask for it

4. Reward the other person

In each of those areas I want you to just write a line down particular to your situation.

As an example, I'm gonna walk through a made-up scenario. This is not specific to anybody in particular or any situation in particular. Though it's probably gonna feel very familiar 'cause I think we've all been here at some point in our lives or most of us. And if not, it will come.

To describe the situation you might want to say

“You and I have been friends for a while and I really enjoy hanging out with you.”

Beautiful. You've already described that you guys have been friends for awhile and you've already kind of delved into express a little bit about how you feel about being friends with them. 

Next up you want to express your thoughts and opinions.

This is your chance and opportunity to speak from an "I" perspective, using those "I feel" statements to let the other person know how the situation is leading to your request.

So how does being good friends with somebody and enjoying spending time with them lead to you wanting to ask them out on a date? This will also help them understand and potentially get to that same conclusion too.

So for this section you might wanna say,

“I feel really good and close with you when we spend time together and I think we would be a really great romantic match.”

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Then you've got to ask for it.

Remember clear is kind. Be clear, be direct, be kind. If you are ambiguous or a little loosey-goosey here, it leaves it way open for misinterpretation and confusion.

Maybe they're thinking that somebody else wants to ask them out on a date and it's not you. Or maybe they're thinking you're just having a theoretical conversation.

So you want to be very clear:

“I am asking you on a date with me.”

Got it? I may not say it exactly like that. That might be a little aggressive, maybe a little too direct.

A different way of asking that would be

“Would you like to get pizza with me on Friday night?”

Clear, kind, direct.

You might also need to clarify this would be a date.

When I was in college I ended up on a date that I didn’t realize was a date because my friend wasn’t clear they weren’t just asking for a regular hang-out. I didn't realize until the end of the movie when we went out to eat afterward that it was a date.

I was thrilled about it being a date, by the way, this is somebody who I definitely had a crush on at the time, but they were not clear or direct in that their asking me out was for a date and not just a usual friendship hangout.

So when you are asking your crush out make sure that they understand and know that it's a date too so you don't have some weird awkwardness, like “oh, we're on a date right now.”

Okay, and then R is rewarding the other person.

Now of course we all know that anybody who would accept a date with you is already a lucky individual. I mean who wouldn't want to go on a date with you, right? But you've got to make your case about why potentially going on a date with you and spending time to consider dating you would make sense for this person.

So something simple that you can say here is

“I think it would be really nice if we at least try one date and see where it goes, we can take it slow. There's no pressure. And if for some reason it feels weird, awkward, I'm totally open to being friends with you too.”

Now again, don't say anything that you don't mean. If you don't actually mean that you would want to stay friends with somebody, it would be too hurtful or painful, don't say that. Be clear, be direct, be kind. I don't know if I've said that before, but I'm just gonna say it one more time. Be clear, direct, kind.

What if it doesn’t work!?

It's totally possible that you have laid out your best case:

✅ You have described the situation.

✅ You have stayed mindful.

✅ You have appeared confident.

✅ You have expressed your thoughts and opinions. 

✅ You've asked for it.

✅ You've been willing to negotiate.

✅ You have offered a reward to the other person.

It's still possible that they may say no.

It may have nothing to do with you. Perhaps they've already expressed interest or have feelings for another individual. It may be that they really aren't willing to risk your friendship at this time. It could be totally new information and they might need time to kind of process what you've just told them. All of that is fine.

And if you are struggling with that, I really recommend that you delve into how to be alone. Maybe indulge in some really nice self-care. There's nothing wrong with being single. There's nothing wrong with being rejected.

You did an awesome thing by putting yourself out there and now you know the outcome.

You don't have to stress about worrying about what if or what if not, you already know. That's good information for you. And then you can start the healing process so that you can get ready for your next big love.

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