Separation Anxiety, Self-Harm, and Starting Therapy | Responding to Your Comments Ep. 1

This video starts a NEW series where yours truly will be responding to YOUR comments. There are so many great questions that get lost in the comments section and if you're asking, I know others may be wondering, too.

Thank you for being brave and posting your questions and responses so we can help others get these answers, too.

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Here are a few of the topics we cover in this first episode:

1) Using transitional objects to help you cope with separation anxiety (at any age)

2) Dodging questions about self-harm vs getting help from safe, supportive adults

3) Celebrating everyone who's starting therapy this year!!

... and more!!

Definitely watch until the end for a very real, human fiasco that happened while I was filming 👀

Episode 2 of Responding to Your Comments will be coming out next week. If you like this series, let me know in these comments (how very meta of you- hehe) I can't wait to do this with you again next week!!

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PS- here are the links to all the videos mentioned in this video:

→ Separation Anxiety Tips for Teens (because you're not a dog!) https://youtu.be/yVVPrAkANmE

→ 6 Must Know Signs of Self Harm in Teenagers https://youtu.be/DZMD_7-Zyc4

→ Feeling DEPRESSED!? Here’s How to Tell Your Parents {and Get Help!} https://youtu.be/KTMgOVlls8s

→ how to talk to your parents about your self harm (+ get help) https://youtu.be/W-2KPreQL5E

→ Here's how to tell your parents you want to die (+ Get Help!) https://youtu.be/HC4gnTKAzqk

→ How to tell your therapist when you feel suicidal (+ get help!) https://youtu.be/oa0c8fIMNWs

→ I'm a Teen Therapist and I'm answering: "Should I cover my self harm scars?" https://youtu.be/juz62JI8xpU

→ Starting Therapy? What Teens Can Expect https://youtu.be/aomgeJWO4-M

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DO THIS for a better year *Therapist Guided End of Year Reflection

Having a tough year doesn’t necessarily mean it has to be a traumatic experience. We can take our struggles and use them to cultivate our transformative personal growth.

Finding where you can still hold space for the pain and experiences and the validity of those experiences while also looking for how you can transform or come through or learn from those experiences and potentially adapt and adjust moving forward, that's what makes a huge key difference.

This therapist-guided year-end reflection will help you have a better year that focuses on transformation, not on trauma.

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Step 1

Review your calendar, planner, and/or journal, and list memorable events and experiences.

Don't necessarily categorize them as pleasant or unpleasant, or good or bad. I don't love that for this sort of stuff anyway, but just go ahead and jot down the big highlights or experiences.

So for example, for my year in 2022, I actually moved two separate times, and we'll get to that in a minute. So those were two highlights of my year. When I sit and think of those, definitely have different emotional experiences with that, but we'll go through that in a moment.

So go ahead, just go through your year, and if you don't happen to have an agenda or calendar or something like that where you have tracked these sorts of events already, just go through mentally and go, "Okay, in January, what was I doing in January? Did anything stand out?" Maybe it was somebody's birthday, maybe it was midterms, maybe it was starting a new semester, whatever it was. And just go through each calendar month until you get to December.

Step 2

Observe how you feel NOW when you think of these past experiences.

So not how you were feeling at the time, but how you feel now when you think about that experience.

Let's talk about my two moves as an example. Earlier this year, I moved to a new home that was closer to the beach, which was super exciting. That's always been a dream of mine. I could literally walk to the beach. It was cool. It definitely wasn't like my ideal home situation. As I'm remembering that, I actually don't feel good about that decision. I actually feel a lot of discomfort in my upper chest area, my heart center, I can actually feel my throat getting a little dry.

I have a lot of hurt and angry feelings about it because it turned out not to be an ideal situation. There were lots of problems that were not necessarily anticipated or expected. It caused me to actually move for a second time this year.

And so when I think about moving for a second time this year and I think about that now, I actually feel, you know, I do feel a little upset, because it is tied to that first one, but I feel really calm and hopeful and happy about that decision, especially because I didn't even think that I was in a position to buy a home yet at this point. That negative experience actually helped to propel me to make that positive experience.

So think about how you emotionally, and physically feel in response to thinking about these experiences.

What sort of thoughts pop up, what sort of emotions, what sort of physical feelings, and any other responses?

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I'm sure that that was some emotionally charged work, and so whenever that happens, I want to make sure that you are taking care of your needs at this moment too.

One of my mentors that I follow often says that when we're doing emotional work, this is thirsty work, so make sure to take a sip of water.

So if you haven't already, go ahead and take a sip of water, do some breathing if you need to, maybe massage your hand or do some butterfly hugs, whatever is going to make you feel a little more grounded and regulated at this moment.

Step 3

Wins, Challenges and Questions

Now that you have noted these milestones and your responses to them, I want you to go through and jot down any wins that occurred this past year, any challenges, and any questions that you might have for the upcoming year.

For me, a big win was being able to buy a new home. I think that was pretty cool. It was unexpected. It definitely came with a lot of emotional charges, and it's definitely not something that I was planning on doing.

Another win was leaving that problematic situation. Even though that was definitely challenging, I would definitely throw that under the challenges thing too, of trying to navigate that and making those adjustments and plans throughout the year. I would definitely categorize it as a win too.

Any wins that you had, any challenges that you either are currently experiencing or have overcome, you can put in there.

Then list out any questions that you might have for the next year. One question that I have for myself for the next year is how will I make this new home more personable for me? I also have some ideas and questions about these videos for you guys about how can I be more present and stay more consistent even when life is happening because I definitely think that one of my challenges was going through some of those personal issues with my living situation. It definitely took away from my energy, my focus, and my mindset, and ability to make these videos on a weekly basis like I had been doing for years at this point. And so I appreciate your patience with me through this. Those are some questions that I have for the next year.

So go ahead, take a moment and pause, and jot down your wins, your challenges, and any questions that you may have. And I should note, you don't necessarily have to have the answers yet, they're just questions for reflection.

Step 4

Where do you want to be next year??

You have done a lot of work already today. You should feel especially proud and accomplished. This stuff is tough and to go through a whole year, it can be really challenging sometimes. It can be very rewarding as well.

Now that you have your wins, your challenges, and your questions, I want you to take everything that you've been reflecting on so far, sit, and intuitively focus on where would you like to be next year?

So as I am making this video and as it is being published, this is the end of 2022. You may be watching this in 2024 or some other year. If it’s 2022, you want to think about the next year in 2023. If it is 2024, you want to think about 2025. If you are watching this in the middle of the year, that's great too.

You just want to kind of think about where you want to be a year from now, and what that future you would look like. How would you feel? What would you be doing? What would you need in order to become that person?

How are you feeling??

I know some of you may be feeling really hopeful and excited. Others might be feeling a little overwhelmed or curious about like, how will I get there? And that is what we're going to focus on next. As we do a year-end reflection, it's great to reflect on what we've learned and what we've experienced and to share those. If you haven't already, feel free to share them in the comments on the YouTube video here: https://youtu.be/iDOZWPZCu_Q

It could help or inspire others, and what a cool thing to contribute to.

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Step 5

What have you learned??

This is where the transformation part comes in!!

How can these past experiences inform your future choices and decisions and mindset?

If there were challenges that happened, what did you learn about yourself? With your wins that happened, how did those come about? Was it a struggle to accomplish those wins or was it easy peasy? If it's a pleasant experience, we want to think about how can we continue to safeguard and recreate similar experiences for ourselves. And if it was an unpleasant experience, okay, what did we learn and what will we do better next time?

Perhaps there were things that were out of our control and forgiving ourselves or other people or other circumstances may have impacted that as well. Now, forgiving does not mean forgetting. That's a whole other concept. I know people have a lot of feelings about that word, but I just mean it in the sense of, you know, it doesn't really help you to continue to beat yourself up to the point of not being able to learn and grow from those experiences either.

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Step 6

What is one thing you can start NOW??

Wow, you have grown and come a long way with a lot of this stuff. You probably have a lot of ideas and inspiration about how you can get to that place by next year or work towards getting to that place by next year.

It might feel a little overwhelming about where to start. And so I want you to just take a moment and just reflect and think about what is one thing that you can start doing today?

You don't have to wait until next year. You don't have to wait for next month. You don't have to wait for Monday. You can create a fresh start at any point, at any time.

You can even do it throughout your day. You know, you can start your day one way, and then like two o'clock runs around and you're like, you know what? Hit the reset on that.

What is one step or one thing, one change that you can start implementing, making, or safeguarding today that will get you one step closer to where you want to be?

All of this stuff is really cumulative, which means that as you make decisions and as you start taking steps, you are always getting one step closer to your destination and your destination may change.

There may be circumstances that have you adjusting your path and those are okay. You're allowed to assess, readjust, and adapt.

One of the things that I would highly, highly recommend is that if you're struggling with this, definitely incorporate some self-care into your journey.

If you have not signed up already, I highly recommend that you get the free self-care bundle that I created just for you for these circumstances. It's got a ton of free videos and workbooks and different ideas on how to incorporate self-care throughout your day and your life.

You can sign up for that for free when you enter your email address here: mallorygrimste.com/selfcarebundle

I really, really appreciate you being part of my journey through 2022, and I hope that you'll be part of the journey for 2023 as well.

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Calm Safe Space Meditation for teenagers

The Calm, Safe Space meditation practice is most popularly associated with EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy, though it can also be used with other forms of therapy as a way to shift the intensity of your emotional state to a calmer, more secure experience.

You can use this calm, safe space exercise whenever you are feeling anxious, unsafe, afraid, or overwhelmed. Practicing this meditation can help you focus more and find clearer solutions to your problems.

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Calm Safe Space Guided Meditation Script

Take a deep breath in through your nose and slowly out your mouth. Breathe naturally as you imagine you are in your calm, safe space.

Now this place can be either real or imaginary. It can be a place that you have never been to before, or it can be a place that you've visited once or maybe often.

Wherever this place is that you've chosen, I want you to choose a place where nothing bad ever could happen, nothing bad ever will happen, nothing bad ever has happened there. We want only calm, pleasant, happy associations with this place.

Now as you imagine yourself here in this place, I want you to look around and notice what you see here.

What images or colors do you notice? Are there other people there? Is it just yourself? Are there animals or other creatures? Is there any sort of weather patterns or changes that you see? If you are indoors or outdoors, or maybe in some other universe or reality. Just take in everything that you can see as you imagine yourself in your place.

Next, I want you to notice everything that you could feel.

Is there a certain temperature where you're at? Do you feel cool or warm? Is there anything that's touching your skin that feels comfortable? Are you noticing any clothing that you're wearing? Are there any textures that you experience? Anything that you're holding or that's resting on you or near you? Are there any sensations that you notice in your body? Anything that you could physically touch or feel as you imagine yourself here in this place, I want you to notice it and just observe how it is to experience that.

Next, I want you to notice any sounds that you might hear.

Are there any vibrations or music? Perhaps it's silence, or are there nature sounds or other creatures around? Are there people talking? Are they talking to you or to others? What are they saying? Just notice any of the sounds around you that you might observe or experience in this place.

And when you're ready, I want you to notice any smells that you experience here.

Are they strong or subtle? Do they have any sort of odor that you could describe? Are these smells associated with food, a flower, or candle, or any other sort of experience here? Or perhaps it's indescribable because it's a new smell that you've never experienced before, especially if you're imagining this place.

And now I want you to call your attention to any taste that you notice.

In this place, perhaps you are experiencing a drink that you enjoy or a type of food that feels good. Perhaps it is none of these things. Perhaps you notice no taste, and that's okay too. As you imagine yourself in this place, taking in all the things you can see, feel and touch, hear, smell, and taste, I want you to notice how pleasant and good you feel in your body right now. Take it in and notice with all of your sensations how it is to be here in this calm, safe space. When you're ready, I want you to take a deep breath in through your nose and slowly out through your mouth.

You can go ahead and wiggle, and wake your body up as you flutter your eyes open, and we get ready for part two of this exercise where we test this out.

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Wow, I hope you are feeling equally relaxed and calm as I am after visiting your calm, safe space.

Now let's move into part two of this exercise by just seeing how this works in action.

The benefit of using a calm, safe space to imagine or visualize yourself in is that you can actually shift your emotional experience to something that is more calm and relaxed, and that way, you can move into problem-solving.

Okay, so here is how this part works.

Choose an event that you experienced recently, a real-life event that was just mildly irritating, like a little annoying, not crazy aggravating. So on a zero to 10 scale, where 10 is you are so angry that you're like ready to flip a lid, and zero is you are calm, relaxed, and neutral - choose something that's like a one or a two. So just like a little inconvenient, a little irritating, but it's not going to totally derail your whole mood or your day.

For myself, I'm going to choose when I couldn't find my glasses the other day. So it was definitely a little irritating and very inconvenient, because I'm sure you've noticed I wear glasses, and my eyesight without them is pretty poor. So without my glasses, it's not like I can make it throughout the day without them. I really need them to be able to see clearly and safely. And so I was stressed out, I was trying to find them. I knew I would find them, but I was, you know, getting a little nervous there.

So for me, when I think about that experience, and I check in, I would say right now at this time when I think about it, it's probably like a two. You know, it does still bother me a little bit that that happened, but it's not like overwhelming. So you want to choose a one or a two when you think about it right now. So not at the time, but right now when you think about it.

Now,for this next part you can keep your eyes open or closed for this.

I want you to imagine that you are back in that calm, safe space.

→ Notice what you see.

→ Notice what you hear.

→ What do you physically feel?

→ What do you smell?

→ What do you taste?

You may notice some more of the same things or you may notice new or different things this time around. Either way is perfectly fine. Just take it all in using all five of your senses.

And when you're ready, I want you to take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth.

Go back and remember that thing that was a little irritating that you were thinking about before.

So now when I think about me losing my glasses, it really doesn't bother me that much anymore. It's probably like a one. I hope that you found this exercise useful, beneficial, and helpful, and please feel free to come back to the meditation portion of this whenever you need it.

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How to Control School Anxiety *tips for teenagers

School anxiety is becoming a MAJOR problem for teenagers. You can't keep avoiding it and expecting it to get better.

In Connecticut, where my therapy practice is physically based, and in many other states, you legally have to go to high school. Gone are the days of dropping out with your parent's permission before age 16.

So let's figure out how you can control your school anxiety together.

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Hi, I'm Mallory Grimste, I'm a mental health therapist and I'm here to share some of my best tips for controlling school anxiety so you can stop avoiding your problems and start creating a more positive mindset when it comes to school because let's be real- graduating high school with a diploma gives you more opportunities and choices to explore when it comes to earning a living for the life you want to live.

Let's get one thing clear from the start.

People want you to be Successful!

Your parents, your teachers, your friends, and everyone else who keeps telling you you have to go to school does NOT want you to be miserable.

In fact, it's the complete opposite. If someone is taking the effort to motivate or encourage you, they are doing so because they legitimately care.

If they didn't care they wouldn't even bother with the effort of trying to talk with you about their concerns and thoughts about how you can make things better.

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What's your Big Plan for life?

You need to know what you’re working towards as an anchor and as a guide for when you really, really, really want to avoid school.

I’m not talking about the career you want. I want you to get real and think about the type of lifestyle you’re working towards.

→ Do you want to be able to travel whenever you want?

→ Do you see yourself having a family or living the single life?

→ Do you want a life surrounded by art and music?

Now school may not be a direct path to any of these lifestyles, but it can certainly give you the opportunity to explore different life paths and interests.

To get you started, Reflect on these 3 Questions:

1. Who would you need to be in order to live the life you want?

2. What would you need to do?

3. What would you need to have?

These answers can offer a nice starter road map for the next step to managing your school anxiety:

Focus on making incremental upgrades

Oftentimes we want to jump straight to the final big results. Though that’s really not very realistic or sustainable. Plus there can be a ton of fun in the journey to getting there!

When you focus on making incremental upgrades in one or two areas at a time, you build sustainable growth and healthy habits. This makes a stronger foundation to work on the next upgrade on your path to that dream life you envision.

And if all goes well, one day you’ll wake up and realize that dream life actually IS your real life!

Don’t Forget:

Use Your Coping Skills!

The path to controlling your school anxiety is hella hard and will be filled with ups and downs along the way. Making sure you have at least 6-8 healthy coping skills in your back pocket can help you stay grounded and in control of your emotional experience.

Oh and just a gentle reminder that Coping Skills don’t necessarily solve the problem, but they can help you hang in there through the intensity of the uncomfortable experiences while you are working on the solution over time.

For school anxiety, I really like focusing on the IMPROVE the moment skills with the teens I work with in my counseling practice. These strategies focus on ways to shift your mindset of the experience to make it more tolerable and less stressful.

Want a deeper dive into these and the rest of the coping strategies??

The Coping Skills Crash Course was created just for teens like you!

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This is the Secret to Stop Obsessing over "them"

You know who they are- maybe they're a crush, a friend, your ex, someone who upset you- whoever it is, this secret will help you to stop obsessing about them.

It is NORMAL to think about someone you care about. Though overthinking, or obsessing about them can get problematic though when it interferes with your day-to-day life.

→ Like are you having trouble doing your homework?

→ Do you forget to eat because you're lost in your thoughts?

→ Do you have trouble talking about anything else without associating it with them?

→ Can't go to sleep because you can't stop replaying different scenarios in your head?

Let's help you get control over your thinking so you can stop obsessing and start enjoying more peace in your life again.

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Obsessing can also be quite problematic if you feel overly anxious, worried, or even sad and depressed when you think about them. This can look like imagining they are in unsafe situations or thinking you're not good enough for them like there's something wrong with you or you are inferior to them.

These are all signs you're feeling insecure.

When we feel insecure, we tend to do things that make us feel more in control of the situation or circumstances. But the thing is when it comes to other people we don't have a ton of control over other people's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors- so we try to go into finding a deep problem-solving mode which is where obsessing can come in. Because one of the things we CAN control is our thinking.

Now you may be like "um Mallory- I'm here because I can't control my obsessive thinking" - and don't worry I got you- stick with me here because I'm about to blow your mind with the secret to stop obsessing over them right now.

The secret to STOP obsessing over “them” is to:

Create Secure Attachments

Remember how I said earlier that these are all signs of insecurity?

Here's where it all comes full circle….

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Earlier research about relationships and attachment styles, particularly by John Bowlby, found that there were four attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, anxious-avoidant, and secure. *If you’re not familiar with these styles click here to watch the video where I break this down much more in-depth.

However, more recent research is finding that your attachment style CAN actually change based on your relationship experiences.

For example, someone with an overly avoidant attachment style can move you towards an anxious attachment in that relationship because as they retreat and pull away, you find yourself trying to connect even more, which can reinforce their pulling away, and thus the cycle continues. However, when you or someone else in the relationship can create a secure base, you can both move toward a secure attachment style within that relationship.

So how do you create a secure base?

1. Identify your values

   Get to know yourself. Think about your interests from a younger age and now. Reconnect with play and fun, even if it seems "childish" Try new things and learn new skills that interest you

2. Communicate, communicate, communicate

   You can't expect others to be mind or mood readers- that's entirely unfair and puts you both at a disadvantage. Keep talking about what you need and be prepared to hear and listen to the other person’s perspective, too.

3. Cope ahead

   There will still be distressing times in your relationship or healing process if you're obsessing over an ex. Learning how to tolerate the intense times are where coping skills come in. They help you hang in there through these hard times. The Coping Skills Crash Course can give you a deeper dive into coping strategies.

4. Assess and Reassess

   Sometimes we can do all the right things and clearly ask for what we need and the other person may not be capable or interested in working and growing with you. Painful, but it does happen. Assess if this is still working for you or if you need to possibly change the status of your relationship. Maybe you need to decrease your contact with them by unfriending them on social media so they don't pop up on your feed. Or maybe you need to actually end the relationship or take a break.

Boundaries are an invitation to stay connected in healthier ways.

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Guided Meditation for Overthinking and Self-Compassion

This guided meditation for overthinking and self-compassion from mental health therapist Mallory Grimste, LCSW can help teens who struggle in these areas.

If you find yourself constantly checking on your loved ones, stressing about your relationships, or obsessing over problematic thoughts, this meditation can help shift your experience so you can feel calmer and healthier.

Having self-compassion for yourself will help you realize it is safe for you to feel your feelings and think your thoughts, without needing to hold on to the ones that no longer work for you.

For best results, listen to this meditation for 21 days in a row and notice the positive shifts you experience.

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I am so happy you made the choice today to take some time to care for yourself to ease your overthinking and strengthen your self-compassion.

Let's get comfortable and sit or lay down so your back is flat against something.

This will help signal to your mind and body that your back is safe. If you have the ability to do so, turn to look over one shoulder and move your gaze up and down. Then turn to look over the other shoulder and do the same thing. Again, this lets your anxious mind settle a bit to see there isn't anything dangerous behind you.

You can choose to keep your eyes open or closed during this practice.

Either position is fine and if you're not sure which feels best, you can play around and see which feels good for you today.

As we move through this guided meditation, breathe naturally.

I prefer to breathe in through my nose and even slower out of my mouth, but you can breathe however feels best for you. We're not going to be focusing on breathing in this guided meditation today since that can actually increase our anxiety if we think we have to do things perfectly, which isn't the goal here.

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For this guided meditation, say each phrase silently or aloud yourself in between.

Feel free to adjust or adapt any of these phrases to your personal experience.

For best results, I encourage you to follow along with this practice for 21 days to experience more calm and less stress being separated from loved ones or people you care about.

Let's begin by taking a deep breath in through your nose, and out through your mouth as you repeat these phrases:

• Even though I may be feeling incredibly anxious right now, I am grateful to be here today.

• My overthinking is trying to help keep me safe.

• Thank you for trying to keep me safe.

• I can handle hard things.

• I can find solutions.

• I can cope with difficult or uncomfortable thoughts and feelings.

• I am strong and I am safe.

• My loved ones care for me, even if I can't reach them right away.

• My loved ones think about me, even if they don't respond right away.

• My loved ones have not forgotten about me, just as I have not forgotten about them.

• I can trust people when they tell me they like me as a person.

• It is not my responsibility to make sure people tell me how they feel.

• When people let me know that I've upset them, they're not saying I'm a bad person.

• I am not a bad person for feeling this way.

• I am not a bad person for overthinking.

• I am not a bad person for caring what others may think or feel.

• I am not a bad person.

• When people let me know that I've upset them, they aren't saying goodbye.

• When people let me know that I've upset them, they are giving me an opportunity to repair our relationship.

• When people let me know that I've upset them, I don't have to agree with their experience.

• It is safe to disagree.

• I can trust that people will tell me how they feel when they are ready.

• I don't have to force it.

• I can trust that the right people will be there for me when I return.

• The people who got me here, may not be the people who stay with me on my journey.

• Even though the people who got me here may not be the people who stay with me, we will all be OK.

• They will be OK and I will be OK.

• I will be OK.

• I am OK.

• My loved ones want me to have good experiences with them and without them.

• My loved ones wish me well and can be happy for me.

• My loved ones want the best for me in all things.

• Having time and space away from someone does not mean they will end our relationship.

• Having time and space away from someone does not mean they hate me.

• Having time and space away from someone does not mean they will forget about me.

• I am an incredible person who deserves to spend my time and energy with others who appreciate me.

• I do not have to be the only one responsible for the safety of others.

• Even though I worry about bad things happening, my loved ones are capable.

• Even though I worry about bad things happening, I am capable.

• I can trust others to also care and help even when I am not physically there.

• If something bad happens when I'm not there, I can find support and help.

• I am not the only one responsible for the security of our relationship.

• I can let myself enjoy experiences, even when others are having a hard time.

• I can take care of myself and still care for others.

• My people want me to take care of myself.

• I am doing a great job.

• Overthinking, I am so grateful for what you've given me.

• I am so grateful for the people in my life.

• I am so grateful for the opportunity to care about others.

• I am so grateful for this moment.

• I love and accept myself as I am.

• I deeply and completely love and accept myself as I am.

Take a moment to breathe in, then out, and slowly open your eyes.

Give yourself a gentle hug if you can and observe the space around you and the calm you feel in your mind and your body right now.

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DO NOT SAY these to teens with Separation Anxiety

I'm a teen therapist and I know that more and more teens are struggling with separation anxiety these days.

If you see someone who is having trouble going to or staying in school, difficulty keeping up with their homework, or constantly checking in or messaging you until they get a response, they could be struggling with separation anxiety or another mental health condition that's impacting their day to day life.

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If you find yourself saying these things, I know it comes from a good place.

You want to help!

You wouldn't be here if you didn't have a kind heart.

I'm not here to make anyone feel bad, rather I want to help you help your friends, your students, your child, whoever it is, through their separation anxiety in a way that doesn't create another problem on top of the separation anxiety.

Without further ado, these are just a few of the harmful things I hear people say to teens who struggle with separation anxiety (and some helpful alternatives you can start saying instead)…

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01/05

❌ STOP SAYING:

“Just Breathe”

If someone is already panicking or having intense anxiety, they may have trouble breathing so this can cause them to experience MORE anxiety !!

✅ START SAYING:

"Let's get you a drink of water"

This gets them moving, which can help process physical responses to separation anxiety. Plus water is an EXCELLENT Coping Strategy!! *It's one of my favorites.

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02/05

❌ STOP SAYING:

“It’s not that serious”

This is COMPLETELY invalidating!! Now they're trying to get you to understand how serious this is for them, rather than trying to cope with their separation anxiety, or even trying to solve the problem

✅ START SAYING:

"I can see how overwhelming this is.

How can I help?”

This is lovely because you are validating that their experience and responses are REAL. You are letting them know you are understanding how intense their experience is.

Plus, asking what they need and how you can help give them ownership of the solution, rather than trying to be a mind-reader and potentially getting it "wrong."

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03/05

❌ STOP SAYING:

“Just don’t think about it”

Part of what’s probably feeding their anxiety is that they can’t stop thinking about the things that are stessing them out. If they could turn off their thoughts, they would. This type of over-thinking could be what we call ruminative thinking or obsessive thinking and it happens when you can’t stop thinking certain thoughts or about certain possible outcomes/scenarios.

✅ START SAYING:

"Did I tell you about the time…?”

Start telling a story! If someone is having trouble with not thinking about stressful things, offering a distraction by telling a story, or playing a thinking game can help them gently shift their thoughts away from their anxiety-provoking overthinking.

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04/05

❌ STOP SAYING:

“It will be fine. Nothing bad is going to happen.”

First of all- there’s no way you could know that 100% for sure. The likelihood may be in your favor, but bad things do happen each and every day. It doesn’t matter if there is a 1 in 100 chance if they happen to be the 1 that’s impacted by such a scenario.

✅ START SAYING:

"What could you do if something bad did happen?”

This acknowledges that bad things can and do happen, even if the chances are low. Asking this question takes it a step farther by helping the person struggling with separation anxiety cope ahead by focusing on the things that are in their control.

For example, if they are worried about getting in a car accident, you can remind them that wearing a seat belt is a way we do our best to keep ourselves safe.

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05/05

❌ STOP SAYING:

“Stop faking it!”

Trust me- these teens are NOT faking their distress. You may now agree with their perspective or responses, but they are very, very real. Heck, even psychosomatic symptoms are still real! The pain is real. The discomfort is real.

Now could there be some secondary gains, or learned helplessness happening? Perhaps- but is it effective to focus on that when you’re trying to help them through their Separation Anxiety? Probable not.

✅ START SAYING:

"Have you talked to your therapist about this?”

I LOVE this because it acknowledges that it’s OK to ask for help. I’m partial to Group Therapy for treating separation anxiety in teens because it can help validate and overcome their struggles when they are helping others in similar situations. Though therapy is just one way teens can seek support for their Separation Anxiety.

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Not Ready for Therapy, But Still Want Help for Separation Anxiety?

The Coping Skills Crash Course is a great program for teens who prefer more of a DIY self-help approach.

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CONTROL Separation Anxiety!! (tips for teens)

Separation Anxiety is a MAJOR problem for teens and it totally BUMS me out that there aren't more people talking about how to help y'all with this.

As a mental health therapist, I've seen more teens than ever struggling with this and it usually pops up in the form of avoiding school or leaving home.

But it can show up in other ways, too like sending multiple texts or messages in a row until someone responds or blocks you, or continuing to ask your friends if they actually like you or if they're mad at you.

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It's totally normal to worry about being away from the people you care most about.

Heck, it's one of the reasons why I stress out when one of my kiddos is running late to session and I haven't heard from them or their parents.

I CARE about y'all and your safety.

So what can you do to control your separation anxiety?

It really comes down to healthy Coping Skills.

Coping skills help you stay in control of your emotions so you can live a happier life.

FIGHT, FLIGHT + FREEZE

Before we get into ways to control your separation anxiety, we've gotta talk about the fight, flight, and freeze responses to stress.

Knowing what stress response you're in can help you control your separation anxiety in the moment and in the future. Then I'll share some of my favorite coping strategies for each of these stress responses so you can add them to your Coping Ahead Plan.

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Fight

All right, so fight is probably the most visibly interactive response that happens when we're feeling anxious from being separated from somebody that we care about.

Fighting can often look like:

→ actually fighting and arguing with somebody

→ picking a fight

→ lashing out

→ texting, or repeat messaging

Oftentimes with a fight response, we're looking for a response from the person that we're looking for a sense of security.

I think y'all remember in a previous video, I shared a story about when I went out on a date with a former ex-partner of mine, and I was really, really upset. I was very hangry at the time, and I didn't know how to manage my emotions at that moment, so I actually engaged in a fight response. I literally banged my knife and fork on the table and said take me seriously after picking a fight with them. 🙈

To be clear- I do NOT recommend that approach, but if you find yourself engaging in a fight response, you’ll probably wanna try one or more of these coping strategies:

→ Fact check the source. One of the things that I recommend to many of my clients in my counseling practice is to gather support from three separate data points before you settle on a thought or an experience. So if you are waiting for somebody to show up to your house at a certain time, and they haven't shown up yet, and they haven't responded from your text message, okay, that's one data source. You've tried to reach out to them directly.

Maybe a second data source is to check in on, are they usually on time, or are they usually a little bit late? I mean, we all have those friends that are notorious for being like 15, 20 minutes late, right?

And a third data source might be it hasn't been enough time yet.

→ Use Distractions to keep yourself occupied while you wait. Setting a timer, and then engaging in some sort of activity that you enjoy that takes up your attention can be really useful and helpful while you're waiting.

A lot of us, just like to wait and stew, and our thoughts just grow and grow and grow, and they make us more and more anxious. And now we've created this horrific story about they've been hit by a bear or something like that, or they're blowing us off. Could be a possibility, but probably unlikely. You wanna make sure that you're staying distracted while you're giving it time to play out.

In the Coping Skills Crash Course there is actually a whole module where we break down seven different distraction skills that you can use to cope with your separation anxiety.

You can find out more by clicking this link: mallorygrimste.com/copingskills

Freeze

Freezing happens when we literally freeze up, we stop responding, and we stop engaging. Sometimes our whole mind goes blank. We may even find ourselves dissociating, or feeling unreal, or not in the moment.

Freezing can also happen when you just don't know how to respond or how to engage. A lot of people will literally lose their voice. It's hard for them to talk, or hard for them to think clearly in order to communicate what it is that they're feeling.

Some of these people may look like they're not paying attention, or they may look like they're disengaging from the conversation, which can be really upsetting if you're a parent, and you're dealing with a teenager who's freezing. I get it. Just know that they may be having one of these freeze-moment responses.

→ One of the best ways to address a freeze response to separation anxiety is to literally ground yourself with some sort of self-soothing sensory activity. Try using one or more of your five senses to engage with so you can bring yourself back to the moment, right here right now.

→ One of my favorite sensory activities is actually applying some pressure. So hugging a pillow, hugging your pet, hugging yourself. All of these are great ways to apply some light pressure in a way that, of course, you're not gonna be like bruising or hurting yourself. We do not want that, but just enough that you're getting that sensory self-soothing activity.

Again, we break down this way more in-depth in the Coping Skills Crash Course.

Flight

So flight is probably, for many teenagers, one of your favorite coping strategies when it comes to any sort of stress. And that's because it can look and feel a lot like avoidance.

Taking a break or taking space can be healthy in moderation, as long as it ends. If it does not end, it's not a break, then you're literally avoiding or ignoring the situation.

That's where flight can get a little dicey, because a lot of people, when we feel so emotionally uncomfortable or overwhelmed, we just want it to end, we wanna get away from it.

We do not like feeling uncomfortable. There's a reason why we have all of these self-care activities that make us feel better physically and in turn boost our mood.

So flight in teenagers can look a lot like avoiding or procrastinating. It can look a lot like breaking up or ending friendships very quickly without giving them an opportunity to repair the friendship.

I always urge my teen clients, especially when it comes to other teenage friendships, not to be super quick to just totally end the friendship at the first sign of discomfort or disruption.

That's because as teenagers, y'all are learning and growing, and figuring out this life thing at the same time. Everybody's at a different pace. Everybody's having different experiences. And just like you are new to this, so are your other teenage friends.

So giving them an opportunity to know and understand, and potentially step up to the request that you're making in order to continue that friendship is huge.

That leads me to one of the very first things that you can do to help you when you are wanting to indulge a flee response, or flight response: communicate what it is that you're feeling. Honestly, feeling your feelings is huge.

Some of the strategies that we go over in the Coping Skills Crash Course, like improving the moment skills., can be majorly useful for a flight response.

These skills are really, really great when you can't necessarily change the circumstances, or your environment, or the situation. Like say that you get a flat tire, you have to deal with that flat tire, whether that is waiting for the tow truck to come, fixing the flat tire yourself, potentially patching or buying a brand new tire, which is not always convenient, especially when you're a teenager, and saving your money, right?

We can't always change the things that happen to us, or the things that stress us out, or make us anxious, but we can change the way that we experience them.

Coping Skills

Okay, so I know I've been talking a lot about coping skills, but stay with me here…

Coping Skills don't necessarily change or fix the problem, but they can help you get back in control which is why I created the Coping Skills Crash Course to help you get there faster.

The Coping Skills Crash Course is an online video program with 4 modules you can watch and learn from at your own pace.

Coping Skills Crash Course has helped teens like you experience MAJOR Benefits like…

👍 Mentally having more clarity and focus, so you can be in control of your thoughts.

👍 Physically feeling calmer & more relaxed so uncomfortable experiences are less overwhelming and intense.

👍 Emotionally, you are more in control & at peace, knowing that there will be spikes and bumps of distress & discomfort at times, but it feels much more tolerable moving forward.

👍 Best of all, breathing easier & feeling lighter knowing you have the skills & ability to work through stressful situations, and that these feelings won’t last forever.

Here’s a Brief Preview of What’s Included:

✓ In Coping Skills 101 you'll get an overview of what Coping Skills are and are not, how to tell if they're working and the 4 types of coping skills you need to survive any problematic thoughts, urges, or emotions

✓ I really love the way Dialectical Behavior Therapy breaks down the different coping strategies so you'll get the full Coping Skills Breakdown with my personal and professional spin on these strategies in the second module.

✓ After that you'll literally walkthrough how to create your own personalized Coping Ahead Plan before we recap everything and celebrate in the final module.
✓ You'll also get some thank you bonuses to help you along your self-care journey such as Self Care BINGO for teens, 14 positive affirmations for success, some guided meditations, and more.

✓ Oh and there is an interactive guided workbook you can use to take notes and follow along with games like the bio breaks word search.

And the best part is that you get access to the full program and all future upgrades as soon as you buy it. Trust me, you want to get in now because I have some really cool, super secret upgrades planned.

If you want a deeper dive into coping skills, and you're ready to STOP letting stressful situations, uncomfortable feelings, and negative thoughts & emotions take control over what you do…

…and instead, START feeling more prepared & confident showing up in certain places, or around certain people, that can bring up uncomfortable feelings…

the Coping Skills Crash Course is definitely for you!

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Struggling with Flashbacks?? Try This (grounding for teens)

💖VIEWER REQUEST💖 You asked:

"Would you do a video on ptsd and how to cope with flashbacks for teens?"

So I decided to demonstrate how to use the 5 senses grounding technique in this video.

It's quick, easy, and highly effective for coping with flashbacks, slowing down anxiety or panic attacks, and happens to also be a great alternative to self-harm. 🙌

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This is a quick and easy grounding exercise for when you feel so emotionally overwhelmed or out of control that you just need relief fast. You need to feel back in your body in this moment, in the present room.

The very first thing that we're going to do is make sure that we're sitting comfortably. It helps to sit with your back flat against a surface. So this could be a chair, a pillow, a wall, the floor, whatever works for you.

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And you just wanna breathe naturally. Don't change your breathing, just breathe however you need to.

It can also help to decrease anxiety if you slowly turn and look over one shoulder and then the next, if you are able to do that so go ahead and do that now.

Then go ahead and get comfortable, sit back and follow along.

Acknowledge 5 Things You Can See

You can even say these out loud.

I can see my watch.

I can see my hand.

I can see my hair tie.

I can see my legs.

I can see the chair.

Acknowledge 4 Things You Can Physically Touch or Feel

Again, if you're able to interact and engage with those items, you can do so now. If that is not comfortable or reasonable at this time, you can either silently in your head or out loud, say the things that you are able to notice that are touchable.

I can feel this hand lotion.

I can feel my hair.

I can feel my feet on the ground.

I can feel this fidget toy.

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Acknowledge 3 Things You Can Hear

These could be things that you're actively hearing right now, the sounds in the room or in the area that you're at or they could be things that you know that you can hear in other situations.

I can hear the cars going by outside.

I can hear the hum of the water cooler.

I can hear music playing.

Acknowledge 2 Things You Can Smell

Again, if they are nearby and you can interact with them, go for that. If not, just silently or out loud to yourself name the things that are “smellable”.

I can smell this candle.

I can smell the food cooking.

Acknowledge 1 Thing You Can Taste

If you were able to engage with that, go for it. If not, you can just silently remember that or say it out loud for yourself.

I can taste this mint.

At this time, you should feel a little more grounded and connected to yourself in your body in this present moment in the room.

If you are not, please go ahead and repeat this exercise, or don't limit yourself to a certain number.

Name all the things that you can see

All the things that you can touch or feel

All the things that you can hear

Everything that you can smell

All that you can taste

Don't limit yourself until you feel back in control or in control enough of yourself and your circumstances. I really hope that this helped and if you'd like more mindfulness practices, you can check them out on my YouTube playlist by clicking here.

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Mallory Grimste's TOP 10 RULES For Self-Love *for teenagers

This list is inspired by Mindspo's series about Top 10 Rules for Self-Love.

As a mental health therapist, I know a lot about helping teenagers improve their self-love and I'm ready to share with you my TOP 10 RULES FOR SELF-LOVE.

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RULE 1: Prioritize + Maintain Your Basic Self-Care

Self-care is of the utmost importance. If you are not taking care of yourself, other people won't know how to care for you and you won't know how to communicate your needs moving forward.

So if you want to love yourself and you wanna improve your relationship with yourself, it's really important to take care of all of those basic self-care needs.

I'm not necessarily talking about the luxurious self-care that we all love and enjoy: doing face masks or painting your nails or buying a new car. Nothing like that. Though that is very important to self-care and it is important to splurge every now and again.

I'm talking about the very basics. Like making sure that you take care of your hygiene, that you are getting well-rested sleep, that you are keeping yourself well-fed and your nutrition is solid.

So check in on those basic self-care needs and make sure that you are staying on top of that.

RULE 2: Show Appreciation

Show appreciation to yourself, your body and for your own capabilities, your emotional experiences, all of that.

Also, be sure to show appreciation and express that to others as well.

We often take for granted what we appreciate. We assume that because we appreciate these things other people know that we appreciate that. But it's sometimes really good to go out of your way and let them know very clearly, kindly, and directly,

RULE 3: Be Kind

Oh, my goodness, kindness is so important. When you can just be a kind person, it makes everything smoother and gentler.

Oftentimes, when we feel frustrated or upset or really passionate about something, that can be a little off-putting to people. And now they're paying much more attention to the emotions that you are putting out there and not necessarily what your request is or what your boundary is or whatever it is that you're trying to express.

It might be hard to be kind in all of your interactions, so if you find yourself being unkind, try pausing and course-correcting, and that will make a huge, huge difference.

When you put kindness out there, people will be kind to you in turn. It's really difficult to be unkind to somebody who's so kind. You kinda feel bad about it, right?

Showing kindness to yourself and to other people will help you improve your self-love relationship.

RULE 4: Stay Curious

Oftentimes, when we find ourselves assuming or filling in the blanks without actually fact-checking or considering other possibilities, we can land ourselves into some pretty troublesome, negative downward spirals.

How many times have you texted somebody expecting an immediate response and they don't respond for many hours or even many minutes?

SO Stressful, right!!?

Suddenly we have created all sorts of scenarios like, "Oh my gosh, what if they're hurt? What if they've been in an accident? Even worse, what if they've forgotten about me?" Ooh, it does not feel good.

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So instead, before you have all the facts, don't fill them in.

You might consider them, but also stay curious to other more positive possibilities. Perhaps their phone battery died and they thought that their phone was charging, but it wasn't plugged in all the way. Perhaps they're needing to save their data for something. Perhaps they're not in a good spot where they can readily text you back immediately.

There are a variety of reasons that somebody might not be behaving in a way that we could understand or that is upsetting to us.

One of the ways that I really like to practice curiosity is by playing the “What If?” game. This is a game that I like to play by myself, with other people, where you literally like set a timer, like say for six minutes and you think of all the worst-case possibilities or scenarios: What if they died? What if they're hurt? What if they did forget about me? You just kind of go down that negative spiral.

Doing this can help to unearth some of those scarier thoughts and validate that these are possibilities. The likelihood of them actually being true might not be as accurate, but like you wanna give yourself some credit for even considering some of these negative possibilities.

Then set a timer for like maybe a minute and think of all the neutral possibilities. These are things that don't necessarily have a strong emotional charge one way or the other. They just kind of are: What if they didn't charge their phone? What if they are texting me back right now?

Then you wanna move on to all of the positive possibilities. So for this, I would double the time that you set your timer for the negative possibilities because it takes a little more energy and effort to train ourselves to think positively 'cause we are primed to consider the negative. It's all about safety. For example, if you set an alarm for six minutes for the negative, I want you to set an alarm for 12 minutes for the positive round.

Consider positive possibilities like: What if they're not texting you back because they're actually out buying you flowers? What if they're thinking of you right now? What if they actually haven't forgotten about you and in fact, they're in the middle of planning something really nice to do for you? Lots of different possibilities here so consider the positive too.

And again, go wild here. It doesn't have to be realistic. Just like the negative ones didn't necessarily have to be realistic. You just wanna give yourself some extra time to practice staying curious that there's more than one option.

Don't lock into an automatic response as being actually factually true, 100%.

RULE 5: Get Comfortable With Making Mistakes

You have to be okay with making mistakes. I make mistakes all the time. Life is not meant to be perfect. It's meant to be messy. That is how we learn and grow as human beings and individuals.

And if we never made mistakes, we wouldn't have the opportunity to learn, up-level, and adjust, or maybe improve something that caused that mistake to begin with.

I might even intentionally encourage you to go out and make a mistake on purpose. A small mistake. Like, don't make a big mistake like showing up to your SAT test an hour late. Don't do that. But maybe practice like walking around with two mismatching socks and see if anybody notices. Or maybe like forgetting to paint one of your nails and see if anybody notices.

Get comfortable making mistakes.

So when you make mistakes, you actually improve that loving-kindness feeling to yourself. And it reminds you that you are human and that it's okay. More often than not, we can repair from mistakes that we've made. Not always. Its not an absolute. But more often than not, there are workarounds around that or ways to improve things moving forward.

RULE 6: Ignore The Gossip

Now I know in today's world and age, people love gossip. People love talking about other people. People love considering why somebody did something. People love trying to like figure things out together.

If you happen to come across gossip that concerns yourself, ignore it.

It's not for you to hear. It's not for you to know. I know that's like a wild thing but what I have found is that more often than not, when gossip comes to me by way of another individual that has nothing to do with anything, it's almost always meant to serve up trouble.

And honestly, if somebody does not have the emotional maturity to talk with me directly about it, I might feel hurt about that of course. It's important to validate your emotional experiences. At the same time, if they're talking about you behind your back, it's really none of your business.

That says way more about them and their attitude and mindset and their experience than it does about you as an individual.

So keep that in mind. You will find yourself loving yourself a lot more if you're able to just kind of dismiss and ignore the gossip and just kind of tune it out and be like, "It's a bummer that they wouldn't just come and talk to me directly about that. I could set the story straight or clarify things for them." But if they're not willing to do that, there's really not much you can do in that situation.

RULE 7: Stay True To Your Values

Stay true to yourself, true to your values, and what is important to you. People are going to talk about other people no matter what. We literally have whole channels and reaction videos and movies and stuff dedicated to really just talking about people.

It kind of makes me feel a little icky, I find often when I find myself watching some of that reality TV show. Is it entertaining? Absolutely. But I find myself actually being more negative and antsy afterward too.

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What I found over and over again is that regardless of people talking badly about you or coming up with assumptions about you, if you stay true to yourself, do not feed into the gossip, and stay true to your values, people are going to notice that.

When your actions line up with what you say about yourself over and over again, that's building integrity. And integrity is going to be noticed by the onlookers even if somebody in the moment is not coming to your defense.

*Which I know is really crappy. I wish that more people would just like step up and challenge some of this stuff. But even if they aren't, they're gonna be watching and noticing how you respond to this.

If you can respond maturely and with kindness and grace, people are gonna notice that and they're gonna start questioning all that talk that that other person said about you. So staying true to yourself is gonna improve that self-love.

RULE 8: Validate Your Automatic Responses

It is so important to validate your automatic responses. Oh man, part of self-love is not always being gooey and kind to yourself though, I mean, that does feel nice. It does feel great.

Sometimes you've gotta step into the darkness.

You've gotta do some of the shadow work. You've gotta acknowledge the icky parts about yourself. And when you can validate that that is part of your human experience too, then tou're gonna feel so much better about yourself.

Being able to allow yourself the time, care, and attention to acknowledge those automatic negative thoughts, those dark feelings, those icky urges that you might be experiencing is going to let your automatic responses know, I see you. I notice you. I hear you. And then you can make a conscientious choice whether or not you want to move forward with that automatic response or if you'd like to pivot in a different direction. You get back in the driver's seat with that.

If you are looking for a little more help and guidance with that, I highly recommend that you check out the Coping Skills Crash Course. We go through a whole thing in there about how you can kind of like hang in there through some of these icky, uncomfortable feelings and thoughts and urges.

RULE 9: Feel Your Feelings

You've got to feel your feelings. You've got to allow yourself to experience the full breadth of all your feelings. Whether they are positive, whether they are negative, whether they are comfortable, or maybe they are really cozy, whatever that experience is, it's important to feel your feelings.

If you do not give yourself the time and space to feel your feelings, they will come out in some other way. Trust me. It's one of the things that I drill into all my therapy clients.

You've got to acknowledge and feel your feelings if you want to improve your relationship with yourself.

You can't love yourself if you're not loving all the parts of yourself and all the experiences of yourself. So it's important that if you are feeling sad, let yourself feel sad for a little bit. Don't just always push it away or push it to the side. Don't ignore it.

If you're feeling anxious, it's okay to experience anxiety. When you try to stuff it away is when things like panic attacks pop up or depressive episodes, or maybe some sort of like angry outbursts.

So by allowing yourself the time to feel your feelings in bite-sized pieces, you're actually going to be improving that relationship with yourself.

RULE 10: Share Your Experience With Others

We know that people need people. Now, a lot of people will say things like, "You have to love yourself first before anyone can love you." Ah, I don't think that's true. I know from the research that we need positive social support and connections to heal from things like depression, disconnection, and loneliness.

One of the main things that we find over and over again that we call a protective factor (something that actually improves our mental wellness and well-being) is positive social connections.

As you are going through this journey of self-love for yourself, share with others your experience. Share the positive, share the negative, and share all the different layers.

Now, when you are sharing, of course, you wanna make sure that you're not trauma-dumping on anybody. If you are finding yourself constantly spilling or like needing extra assistance with that, get a therapist. We are here to help you through those episodes. We're literally trained to listen and help support you in those moments and not make it about us. It's all about you.

Be selective that when you are sharing with other people that they have demonstrated trustworthiness. You don't have to share everything or the whole depth of your situation. You may wanna share like bite-sized nuggets here and there and see how they do with that before you share more with them.

When you are able to share and receive sharing from other people, that builds trust and intimacy. The more that you are able to build trust and intimacy, the more solid, positive, and healthy your social connections can be. And that is how you improve self-love.

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